A Healing Peace
by BlueBlood82
Summary: Third Installment of the Tough Universe - The family celebrates and anticipates new life and Eddie and Jamie try to hold on to love as they grieve the loss of it. Will update every other day!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Here is the third story in the Tough universe. As I have said, there will be about 10-12 installments in this series. I do hope you will be around for them all. This story is much shorter than the last one, about ten chapters and 25,000 words. Like all of my stories, it will have it's ups and downs and hopefully show the love of this family, particularly Jamie's branch.**

 **Thanks to Lawslave for previewing all of my chapters and providing her special branch of Jamko wisdom and to Yanks20 for helping me when I got stuck in the later chapters. I hope to hear your thoughts and reactions.**

 **Stories to date are:**

 **Tough - complete  
In Sickness and In Health – complete  
A Healing Peace - Ongoing  
And Baby Makes… - Coming Soon**

Chapter One

"Happy Birthday, dear Grandpa…Dad…" the family sang. "Happy Birthday to you!"

Frank took as deep a breath as he was capable of and blew out most of the thirteen candles on is cake, the total of the two numbers making up his age, nine and four. He got them all out except for one. "Oh, one girlfriend this year, Grandpa," Nikki laughed. She had driven down from Boston for the occasion.

The party was being held in the family home, now with Jamie and Eddie at the helm. There wasn't a single, living Reagan family member missing that day. Even Jack, who was busy as Chief of Department and Sean, who had just been promoted to Chief of Emergency Medicine at St. Victor's were present with their girlfriends. Danny's boy had taken their time in getting married. In fact, Jack had proposed to his girlfriend Rita two weeks ago.

"What kind of cake is it, Aunt Eddie?" Sean asked as he was charged with cutting the large sheet cake.

"Chocolate peanut butter," Eddie replied. "Dad's favorite. Uncle Jamie's too." Eddie kissed Jamie's temple as she passed his chair at the head of their table.

The cake was passed around and everyone dove into the luscious dessert, everyone except for Lila. She pushed the plate away and looked down at her lap.

Eddie caught the subtle movement. It was the fifth time that she had seen something like that today. Lila loved chocolate, for her to be putting her nose up at it was strange indeed. The actions didn't escape Jamie's eye either. His little girl hadn't been looking or acting herself for a couple of weeks now and if he didn't get a satisfactory explanation soon, he'd be having a chat with her husband.

While Eddie, Linda, and Erin helped to clear and Nikki and the boys set up presents in the family room, Jamie pulled his daughter aside and enveloped her in a warm hug. "You doing okay, sweetheart? You aren't eating."

"I have a little bit of a stomach bug," Lila replied. "But I didn't want to ruin Grandpa's birthday. I wanted to be here especially since we don't know if Mom's going to get called away."

Eddie's father was in a hospice just a few miles from the family home. The cancer he'd been fighting for the last eighteen months had finally taken over. He didn't have much time left. Eddie spent at least part of each day at the hospice helping with his care and making peace after nearly forty years of being divided. The last few days had been rough and Eddie had been called out at all times of the day and night.

"That's sweet of you, baby," Jamie replied. "But there are enough of us here to handle it if Mom does get called over, even if I need to go with her. Why don't you go lie down in Grandpa's room?"

Jamie had regained his ability to climb the stairs to the bedroom he'd shared with Eddie for the last fifteen year of their married life, so they had moved Frank into the study that had served as their bedroom while Jamie recovered from his stroke.

Over the last six months, Frank's COPD episodes had increased in intensity and frequency. Climbing the stairs was now a significant challenge, thus the downstairs bedroom off the warm homey kitchen.

"No, I have a gift for grandpa that I really want to see him open. I'm okay, Dad. It's Joey that needs you do to the whole Papa thing. I heard him talking to Uncle Danny about getting transferred to SVU. You know that's a huge mistake"

"I saw the transfer request," Jamie replied. "I'm going to talk to him before I sign off on it, but if this is his way of coping with what happened with Debbie then I'm going to give him my blessing."

Lila sighed. She remembered the happy, bright, beauty her brother brought to her wedding. Three months later, she'd been what the men of the family and her mom referred to as a 10-24 with special circumstances, also known as a rape victim. Lila remembered that night like it was yesterday.

 **Lila was dropping Frank off at home after taking him to the pulmonologist. She had taken a semester off school since getting married to set up house for Steven and her so when Frank had an appointment the same day as Eddie or Jamie had other obligations, she was more than happy to escort her grandfather around to his doctors.**

" **You all set, Grandpa?" she asked helping him into his recliner. She adjusted the back and foot of the seat. "You need your medicine, the wind is really whipping."**

" **No, I'm good," Frank replied smiling at Lila as the phone rang. She saw the caller ID flash her brother's cell phone number. "Hey, you," Lila answered. She missed seeing her brother regularly since she moved out of the family home. Now she only got to see him on Sunday if Steven was home or Joey was working on Wednesday.**

" **Lil, I need Mom," Joey said, his voice hoarse and cracking with emotion. "I can't get Dad on his cell. I need Mom."**

" **Joey, what happened? Are you okay?" Lila was always worried for her brother even more than her husband.**

" **Yeah, it's not me," Joey replied. "It's Debbie. I really need to talk to Mom or Dad, Lil. I need one of them to meet us at the hospital."**

" **And Mom left her phone again. Okay, you go to the hospital with Debbie I'll meet you and we'll get a hold of Mom and Dad, all right?"**

 **Lila hung up the phone and looked over at Frank. "What's happened?"**

" **I have to go meet Joey at the hospital," Lila explained. "He got a call, Debbie was attacked and he's really upset."**

 **Frank started to get up.**

" **Grandpa, no, the doctor said you have to have your rest," Lila reminded him gently. "I'll leave you with the phone and I'll call. If Mom comes home send her to St. Benjamin's okay, Joey was asking for her to come down."**

"Joey treated her so well," Jamie sighed. "But I guess being around the places and the people was too much of a reminder. I'm still a little ticked off at her for breaking Joey's heart but…if it's meant to be."

Lila nodded and reached out to grab her father's arm as she felt a dizzy spell. "I think I better go get a piece of cake now. I'm feeling like I need it."

"Go sit down," Jamie told her firmly. "You're flushed. I'll get you cake and some tea."

Jamie made sure that Lila headed for the sofa before going to the kitchen. He cut a slice of cake from the opposite end. "Jamie, if you want another slice, take from the end we already cut," Eddie scolded.

"It's not for me," Jamie replied quickly. "It's for Lila, she likes the corner piece." Jamie poured her tea and put the cake and tea on a tray.

"Jamie, let me carry that," Eddie spoke up. Jamie was much better but he was not yet able to walk well without his cane. "Go sit with the kids, we'll be ready to open gifts in a few minutes."

Eddie carried Lila her cake and tea. She saw the flush in her cheeks and touched her forehead, "No fever…" Eddie had a feeling now she understood what was wrong. "If you want another piece let me know."

Jamie sat down beside Lila. Steven and Joey were across the room speaking with Danny and Jack. "You ready to open gifts, Dad?" Jamie asked Frank.

"I'm too old for gifts, Jamie," Frank laughed. "But that cake was good. DelAmico's?"

"Yeah," Jamie replied smiling. "Some things never change."

Lila at her cake and sipped her tea. She kept looking up at Steven, she was worried about the gift they got Frank. She hoped that he liked it, it was very special indeed.

When Eddie returned to the kitchen Linda was laughing, "Danny said six months in so he's probably going to win."

"Win what?" Eddie asked as she got back to putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

"Oh, Danny made a bet with Joey, Jack and Sean on how long it would take for Lila to get pregnant, and by the looks of her today, she's either got the flu or Danny won the bet."

"Well, she's obviously not ready to tell anyone," Erin broke in not wanting Eddie to get upset. She was now very sensitive to Eddie's relationship with her daughter. "When she is ready to tell us she will. She might not know yet, sometimes young girls don't know. Nikki was three months along before she even knew."

"I was two months with Lila," Eddie sighed. "If she is…They aren't ready for a baby. They are barely ready to be married." She sat down heavily in her chair.

"Tell the truth," Linda laughed. "You aren't ready to be Nana Eddie yet either. I cannot believe it, if she is having a baby, the youngest Reagan brother will be the first grandfather. I have hope now they both have girlfriends though. I might see my grandma days before my final days."

Those words were still in Eddie's head when they joined the rest of the family to open gifts. Frank received new sneakers, some new sweaters, and two compilation sets of his favorite westerns to watch on the new TV and movie player his kids chipped in to buy. Lila had Steven hold their box for the very last. Finally, Steven handed the clothing size box to Frank for him to open.

Frank smiled at Lila as he tore at the paper and opened the box to reveal a white sweatshirt. He held the shirt up, written in gold letters were the words, "World's Best Great-Grandpa!"

Nearly every member of the family let out a cheer. Joey backslapped Steven before hurrying to hug his sister. Frank reached out his hands and pulled Lila down, "This is the best present ever. When will it be?"

"Middle to late September, around our first anniversary" Lila replied. "We estimate it happened around New Years."

Lila turned toward her parents. She had worried about how they would react. Jamie stood up and reached out both arms, "Congratulations, Kitten. Are you okay? You feeling…of course you aren't that's why you were acting so funny." He turned to look at Steven, "You are so lucky you are pregnant or I was going to take you out to the garage."

"Oh, dodged a bullet there, Buddy," Joey laughed. "Dad took us out there only when we did something really bad."

"Dad, he's taking great care of me, really. Every morning he brings me hot decaf tea and cream to settle my stomach, at least when he's at home. You don't have to worry."

Lila's gaze turned to Eddie. She was so quiet, it made Lila nervous. "Mom? Are you okay? You're happy for me, aren't you?"

Eddie forced a smile, "OF course I am happy for you honey. There's no other feeling like it, you'll see." Eddie took Lila into her arms hugging her tight. She was nervous for her daughter. Lila was incredibly young, Steven had a busy job that took him away from home for days at a time…but now was not the time for worry. It was a time for joy. "You will be a wonderful mother." Eddie broke the hug with Lila and turned to bestow one on Steven.

"Congratulations…this calls for a toast. Erin, can you see if we have some sparkling cider in the fridge?"

The family toasted to Lila and Steven's impending miracle. Jamie worked his way over to Lila and raised her eyebrow, "Stomach bug?"

"Sorry, Dad, I didn't want to ruin the surprise. It's a little white lie, that's all. So you ready to be a grandpa?"

Jamie laughed, "Let's see Uncle Danny is knocking on the door of being 73 and he's not a grandpa, I just turned 60 and you're making me a grandpa."

"Trust me," Frank piped up from his chair. "There's not greater feeling on earth Jamie."

Jamie smiled, "If it feels anything like being a father, I can't wait."

"I can't believe you are not excited!" Jamie said as he applied muscle cream to his leg and foot. "Our baby is having a baby. You're going to be a grandma."

Eddie sighed, "I am happy for Lila, I really am." She climbed into bed, still in a short nightgown showing off some leg. She'd been very hot lately sleeping even though she was out of menopause for over three years now.

"So?" Jamie asked sitting up and starting to rub her back and shoulder. 'What's the problem?"

Jamie's fingers found a huge knot in her neck. "Talk to me, Eddie. Come on."

Eddie took a deep breath. "I don't know. I really don't. It's just when I heard her say she was having a baby, I thought…I'm not old enough for this. I'm not old enough for cookies and knitting and all the things that grandma's do. Am I?"

Jamie laughed, "Of course not, but my father was a grandpa before he was our age. My mom too. This isn't about becoming a grandma, this is about what happened the other night. That had nothing to do with you, Eddie. I had nothing to do with me finding you attractive or young or anything like that. I was too tired, I over did it, and you paid the price for it. I'm so sorry."

Eddie sighed, "That's not really it, either. It's not the first time that happened since the stroke, won't be the last. I think I am just feeling old and Lila, my youngest, being pregnant with her own baby, just made it all come up for me. I feel like we got robbed. I was sick, you were sick, and we aren't old yet, we're not at the age where we worry about that stuff yet, at least we shouldn't be."

Jamie kissed Eddie's hair, "Close your eyes for me and just picture Lila holding her own baby. You and me together to support her at the hospital, helping her out when Steven is working…you teaching her how to hold her baby and comfort her baby like you comforted her. Tell me that isn't one of the most precious things you can imagine."

Eddie's eyes teared up. "I can't. She is going to be a wonderful mother. I'm going to call her up and tell her again how happy I am, if I ruined that moment for her, I won't forgive myself."

"So it went off without a hitch," Steven said as he got his uniform and bag ready for his stint the fire house. "Your family was really happy, and when we tell my folks they'll be thrilled."

Lila was playing with her wedding ring, "Earth to Lila. Come in please…What's wrong? Things went great."

"My mom was upset," Lila sighed. "She was upset but I don't know why."

"Your mom is going through quite a bit," Steven reminded her. "It's got to be breaking her heart seeing her father suffering. She's got to be thinking about her own illness too." Steven kissed Lila's head. "You have got to cut your mother some slack. I know you two have your differences but…"

Lila nodded, "Maybe I just expected her to be more demonstrative than she was, maybe that's it?"

Lila's phone ringing broke into their conversation. She checked the screen, "It' my mom." Lila picked up quickly, "Mom, are you okay? Is grandpa Pete okay?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine, Lila," Eddie assured her. "I'm just calling to tell you how excited I am to be a grandma. I know I didn't act it before, that had nothing to do with your news and I am sorry that I didn't show you then how happy I really am. Being a mom is the greatest job on earth, you are going to be terrific at it."

Lila choked up and sniffled, "Well, I would have learned from the best. I will never know how you raised Joe and me and never raised your voice at us, even being sick. I love you Mom."

"I love you, too, baby," Eddie replied with a smile. "You want to come with me tomorrow to visit Grandpa Pete and tell him your news?"

Lila agreed and planned to have lunch with her mom at Archie's before going to the hospice. When she hung up she was smiling. "There's my pretty girl," Steven smiled and kissed her lips. "Did I tell you I can't wait to see our little one? I think it's going to be a pretty girl just like you."

"I hope not," Lila laughed. "I hope he looks just like you. As long as the baby is healthy…"

Steven nodded, that was, after all, the only thing that mattered, health and happiness, two things far too precious to take for granted.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has read this story so far. It is much shorter than the previous ones but I hope you still enjoy. It warms my heart that so many of you take the time to comment and to converse with me about my stories. You all make it easier to focus and write. Next update will be Sunday. Enjoy and please leave a review. Also, please check out my profile for a comprehensive layout of my stories and upcoming stories. Feel free to PM ideas.**

Chapter Two

Jamie pressed the intercom button on the new elaborate phone system they installed at 1 PP. "Meyers, please contact Detective Reagan's command and tell them I want to see him at end of tour."

Jamie had mulled over Joey's request to join Special Victims and while Eddie and Lila both said they weren't on board with it, he decided to sign off on it provided this talk with his son went well. Jamie felt that it would be beneficial with Joey's healing to be able to get his hands dirty and Joey had a very soft approach, similar to his own when he worked with molestation victims as a younger man.

"Yes, sir," she replied and placed the call to Joey's CO. Jamie continued to work on the budget projections for that year, he noticed that their Mayor, probably in effort to get the police union vote, had allocated enough money for all of Jamie's training and a 2% raise. What a way to go out…if he kept that particular promise. Jamie loved being back at work, even though he got tired and things were sometimes stressful, he felt fulfilled and looked forward to a day at work and a night at home.

Half an hour later Joey arrived in his blue suit, wearing the color of the day around his neck. "You rang?" Jamie ran a very informal office when it came to his relatives, at least when they were alone.

"Have a seat," Jamie instructed walking over to the couch. "You want some coffee or anything? Your Mom sent these teacake things that Aunt Erin made. They're pretty good but Mom went on a diet again this morning."

Joey laughed, "When is she going to learn that one, we all love her no matter what she looks like and two, that it's the damn medication that puts the weigh on and no matter what she does she won't lose until her body adjusts to the new dose. If it keeps her alive and cancer free, let her be 500 lbs."

Jamie poured two cups of coffee then sat down. "Mind if I put my leg up, it's a little stiff."

Joey smiled, "Go ahead. I already know why I'm here. You don't think it's a good idea for me to join SVU."

"I didn't say that," Jamie replied. "In fact, I have the transfer order on my desk ready to be signed but I have to ask you first…Why now? Is this just about Debbie or…"

Joey sipped his coffee and took a teacake. "Actually, I talked to Debbie about this before she…I am bored solving white collars and murders, I don't know if that is for me. I want to help people that are still living. If I can treat the victim with compassion and tenderness maybe I get more out of them and get more scum suckers off the streets. After, what happened, I'm that much more driven. I don't want another husband or boyfriend to see his wife or girl like she was or to have their life fall apart. I know I can't save everyone, but maybe I can save some. That's all I want to do."

"Have you heard from her?" Jamie asked. "Has she called or e-mailed you?"

Joey shook his head, "I talked to her Mom but she doesn't want anything to do with anything related to New York or the NYPD or anything at least not now."

"I'm sorry, Joey," Jamie replied. "I really am sorry. We got the SOB." Jamie reached for the folder, "I need you to promise me one thing, Joe. If this work is eating at you, if you are drinking the neck and shoulders off a bottle in one sitting more than once or twice per month…you get out. Do I have your word as my son and my detective?"

"Of course, Dad," Joey replied. "If anything was getting to me I'd go to you, Uncle Danny, Mom…and if I had to…I'd transfer out. I promise you I won't let it take over, I won't let it ruin my life."

Jamie looked into his son's eyes and saw the sincerity there. He took his pen, opened his file and signed his name. "It's official, I'll have Meyers send the order to the CO of SVU…You will probably start the end of the month."

"Thanks Dad," Joey replied smiling. "Thanks a lot. This means a lot to me that you believe in me."

"Of course I believe in you Joey," Jamie replied. "Now, Mom is going to take Lila to see Grandpa Peter and tell him about the baby. What if you and I had beer with Grandpa Frank and Uncle Danny and ordered in a pizza?"

Joey's smile reached his eyes, "Can I hitch with your detail? I can get an Uber home later?"

"Of course or you can crash at our place," Jamie reminded him. "You are always welcome at home."

Jamie called for his detail then handed the packet to Meyers. "After you process that, head home. Good work today."

In Brooklyn, Eddie pulled up to Lila's apartment a little after three. Peter Janko seemed to be more alert in the later afternoon and early evenings. "How are you feeling, honey?" Eddie asked.

"Not bad, the morning sickness is being true to it's name for now," Lila replied. "I feel sick when I get up until about noon or one then I feel better."

"When I was carrying you, the sickness wasn't that bad, but with your brother, I was sick all the time. 24/7 for five months. I actually lost seven pounds, your father was so worried," Eddie laughed remembering Jamie sheltering her at Sunday dinners from the smells. "But you both came out perfect," Eddie smiled. "Hurricane Lila."

Eddie navigated the road to the hospice smoothly. There was minimal traffic that time of day and it was easy to park as many of the patients families were working. "He's gotten a lot worse since you saw him. He is very weak now and he's not up an around at all. Just hold his hand and keep your voice very soft, all right"

Lila nodded. She was closer to her Grandpa Peter than Joey was. Peter had a soft spot for the little girl. She reminded him of Eddie.

Peter was sleeping when he they arrived. He was on oxygen, had multiple IV lines delivering medications to keep him comfortable and deliver fluids. The cancer had invaded his stomach and eating was difficult. He had lost so much weight that his skin was stretched over his bones, his cheeks hollow and eyes sunken. Lila gasped, "Oh Mom…"

Eddie rubbed her back, "The meds are really good, he's not suffering very much. He'll be so glad you are here."

Eddie walked to her father's bedside and touched his hand, "Dad. Dad, it's Edit."

Peter stirred and opened glazed eyes. He smiled weakly when he saw Eddie. "Edit…" He wasn't doing well today, his voice was much weaker.

"Yeah, Dad. And look who else is here." Eddie moved aside to reveal Lila. She had tears shimmering in her eyes. "Hey, Granddad. How are you feeling?"

"Better now you are here," Peter slurred, the medications affecting his speech. He reached a hand out and Lila took it. It was very cool and the skin had an odd appearance.

"I'm sorry, I've been a little busy. Steven is working the next couple of days so I am going to come to visit you with Mom."

Peter smiled. "You have better things to do…how is your school?"

"Oh, I took a semester off, so I'm not going now but…it looks like I'll have to take off a little more time…" Lila smiled and stroked her grandfather's white hair. "Granddad, I'm going to have a baby. You're going to be a great-grandad!"

Lila knew in her heart that he'd never see the baby born, but it didn't stop her from making this memory with her grandad. Peter's eyes misted, "Best day of my life…was when Edit…" He looked at Eddie. "You were so beautiful…wanted you to have everything."

"I know, Dad," Eddie soothed. "I know. It's all right, remember. Remember, we talked about it? It's okay."

Peter's eyes drifted closed and his ragged breathing evened out. Eddie bit her lip, just two days ago they talked for an hour before he fell asleep. Today, he barely managed to talk for ten minutes. "Lila, sit with Granddad, I'm going to find his doctor. Maybe they are over medicating him."

Lila sat with Peter's hand in hers, "Mom's really been sad, Granddad. I know that she really wishes she'd forgiven you when we were younger, but I know you understand she was hurting too. She loves you very much, I heard her tell my father so. I love you too." Lila kissed Peter's cheek as he slept.

"He's barely conscious!" Eddie pointed out firmly. "Are you just drugging him so he won't bother you…"

"Mrs. Reagan, your father…it's not weeks anymore, it's days. We haven't changed his dosage, he's just that much weaker. I think you might want to consider staying here at the hospice for the next few nights or if you desire, you can bring your father home and our nursing staff will care for him in your home."

Eddie sighed, she couldn't do that because of Frank, at least not unilaterally. "I'll speak to my husband about that, but if no, then yes, I'd like to stay."

"That was classic!" Danny laughed as the men in the family watched DVDs of old Jets games. "Erin called it that day, coffin corner kick!"

"Aunt Erin was one of the best assistant football coaches I ever had," Joey laughed. "Who wants more pizza?"

Jamie's cell phone began to ring as Joey went to refill plates. "Hey, sweetheart," Jamie answered seeing it was Eddie calling. He sat up straight as she relayed what the doctor had told her. "I don't know what to do, Jamie."

"Eddie, this is your father. Bring him here. Joey is here, he can help me move the furniture around to accommodate the equipment. It's all right. Do you want me to…?" Jamie stopped as he heard Eddie begin to cry. "I'm going to come down there, Danny's here he'll bring me. Go find Lila, sit down and wait for me to come there."

Jamie hung up, "Joey, I need you to call a friend or your partner of whoever and get this house so that we can fit a hospital bed and some medical equipment in here. I have to go over to the hospice. Granddad Peter isn't doing well, and they suggested that Mom bring him here. She's really upset so I'm trusting you to help me."

Joey nodded, "Of course, Dad. Go take care of Mom, I'll hang out until you guys get home."

Jamie and Danny hurried to the car, Frank sat back and sighed. "He's her father, Grandpa. What do you…"

Frank held up his hand, "No, that's not it. I was just thinking another person is going to die of cancer under this roof. I would never begrudge Eddie these last moments, they are some of the most precious in a relationship, some of the most peaceful. My heart is broken for her. I'm going to sit up too and wait for them to come home. Your mother might need a father hug and your granddad is too weak to do that."

Joey called his partner, John Fraser to come over and help him with the furniture while Jamie and Danny drove to the hospice. Jamie got nervous when Lila met them out front. "Dad, thank God…"

"What is it? Did he go?" Jamie was worried that Peter passed away while he was driving.

"No," Lila replied. "But Mom's a mess. She hasn't gone back inside, she's just sitting on one of the hard chairs crying. I can't make her stop crying."

Jamie nodded and hurried inside, his uneven gait more pronounced when he moved quickly. "Eddie." He knelt in front of her as she sobbed into her hands. Jamie reached out and pulled Eddie in closer to him. "Come here, honey. I'm here now…" Jamie cradled his wife close and rocked as Danny looked on with Lila.

"You doing okay? You need to be careful in your condition." Danny put his arm around Lila's thin shoulders.

"I'm fine, he's not in a lot of pain right now, he's so drugged so that's good. I just never saw Mom break down before I know she has when Dad was sick and things were really stressful there for a while but I didn't know how to help her."

"You did what you could," Danny replied. "Having Jamie is what she needs. Look he's getting her to settle down already. I'm sure Steven is able to settle you down like that too. It's part of being a couple, knowing how to soothe and be soothed by others."

"Let's go say goodnight to Peter, Joey is at the house now making it ready for him. Your Dad will have your mother all fixed by the time we're done."

Danny led Lila back into Peter's room while Jamie whispered soft words to Eddie. "It's all arranged, Joey's fixing the house as we speak. Dad won't say anything and if he does you let me deal with it. You have this time with your father." Jamie brushed a hair back from Eddie's face. "I love you."

"Jamie…I…" Eddie looked up at Jamie, eyes swollen, face red. "I wasted so much time, I…"

"Ssh," Jamie cooed. "Ssh. I know, honey. I know, maybe you made a mistake but you can make up for all of that by making this time special. I'll be at your side, every step of the way."

Eddie nodded, "You better get off your knees before you can't."

Jamie used his cane and both arms to get off the floor, "Let's go say goodnight to him and make arrangements for the ambulance to bring him to the house tomorrow. I will work from home tomorrow after my am meetings so I'm there with you. I'll have Meyers rearrangement things so I'm there with you all the time."

Jamie was happy Eddie was finally calming down. He'd promise her the moon to make her stop making that sound. He always hated the sound of Eddie's tears, it ripped his heart out.

"No you have your work," Eddie sighed. "I can manage until it looks like he's going to be gone then maybe. I'll need you so much more after than before. I'm sure Frank will take good care of me."

Jamie slid his arm around Eddie and they walked together into Peter's room. Lila kissed her granddad's brow, "I'll come see you tomorrow when you get settled at the house. I love you."

"Love you…" Peter slurred taking a deep breath, his chest was constricted.

Eddie took Peter's hand, "Dad, Jamie and I were talking, and we're going to have you come home tomorrow to stay at the house with us. We'll be together and you'll be so much more comfortable."

Jamie smiled, "It's what we want to do if you are on board. Joey is already making things ready at the house."

Peter smiled up at them and nodded, his eyes closing again, with a small file on his face.

Eddie and Jamie arrived home an hour later after dropping Lila off at home. They surveyed the living room and Joey's handywork. "Oh, Joey," Eddie smiled when they returned home from the hospital. "This is perfect, thank you so much."

Eddie wrapped her arms around Joey, enjoying his embrace. She needed all the strength she could get.

Frank stood and moved over, raising a bushy eyebrow at Joey. He backed off and let Frank pull Eddie's small form towards his all-encompassing one. "There you go, honey," he whispered holding her tight. "It's going to be all right. We will work together to make his last days special. When he's up to it, I'll even pretend to lose at cards."

Frank knew how hard it was to lose a parent, but had only a small frame of reference for watching it happen. His mother was ill, but just for a short time and Henry died in his sleep. That was how Frank hoped he would go when his time came, not lingering and melting away in a bed like Peter Janko.

"Thanks, Dad," Eddie whispered. "I know you aren't fond of him but…"

"But I am plenty fond of you and this will make it easier on you," Frank replied, giving the last strong hug. "I'm going up to bed. Tomorrow, your dad will be here and you'll feel a little better. Take care of her, Jamie."

Jamie moved to take Eddie's arm, "I'm going to put her to bed. Thanks Dad."

Jamie kissed Eddie's head. "Come on, sweetheart." Jamie hated when Eddie was under stress. The entire family always worried when she faced a heavy burden after being warned time and again excessive strain could cause a recurrence of her cancer.

Eddie allowed herself to be led to their bed. While she undressed, Jamie turned down the covers and fluffed the pillows. Jamie stripped his boxers and tee shirt and slid into bed beside Eddie. "I am so sorry you have to go through this," Jamie replied. "I don't remember a lot of my mother's illness. I was at school for a lot of it, and the family blocked me from a lot of it. I wish I could bear this for you Eddie," Jamie whispered dropping a kiss on her head. "If I could…"

Eddie rubbed Jamie's hand as it rested on her hip. "I know. You are already helping me so much just knowing you are here. Hold me all right?"

They usually slept in each other's arms but tonight Eddie needed the extra reassurance that he wasn't going to let go. Eddie listened to Jamie's heart beat and let it lull her into a deep if uneasy sleep. Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

The hospital bed arrived at 8:30 am, the rest of the equipment by 10 am. Peter was delivered by the hospice transport a little before lunch time. Eddie made some brown sugar and cinnamon oatmeal, an old favorite from when she was a kid. The transport team and the nurse helped get Peter settled. The trip was painful for him, bouncing him around a lot but he soon settled down and rested in the comfort of his daughter's living room.

Eddie carried a small bowl of oatmeal to Peter's bed. Jamie would be home in an hour to help her out. "Dad, I made some oatmeal. You think you can eat a little?"

Peter shook his head no, he hadn't been hungry for days. Eddie's face fell, Peter saw it. "All right, a few bites."

Eddie spooned up some oatmeal, gently feeding it to her dad. She had practice from the early days of Jamie's stroke. "Isn't that good? Later we can watch the video of Lila's wedding again, if you want to do it."

Peter nodded, "She was such a beautiful bride, Edit. Just like you. She's having a baby now…took you a long time. Not for her."

"No," Eddie replied. "Jamie and I tried for years to get pregnant with Joey. I remember you were ready to pay for fertility treatments and I was ready to take the money. Then there he was. He just joined Special Victims Unit."

"Makes you proud," Peter whispered. "Made me proud…You always make me proud." He reached up and stroked Eddie's cheek. "I'm just sorry I wasn't…"

"No, Dad," Eddie hushed him. "No, don't do that. No regrets, we made our peace. Finish up now cold oatmeal isn't any good." Peter nodded and took another couple bites before falling asleep, this time it was restful.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: There is a tissue warning for this chapter! I am interested in your feelings about Eddie's reaction at the end of the chapter. I look forward to hearing from you.**

Chapter Three

Peter was still holding onto life two weeks later. He was weak and his pain medication had to be increased four days earlier. During the early evening, while Eddie was sitting with him to watch the news, he started moaning. Shifting positions and delivering booster pain medication did not ease Peter's discomfort. Jamie took it into his own hands and called the hospice nurse. Since then, Peter had been in less pain, much to Eddie's relief.

Lila and Joey were spending a lot of their free time at the house. Lila to see her grandpa, Joey had another reason. Molly Flannigan, Peter's day hospice nurse. Joey always managed to drop by the house while she was there. She was young, about Joey's age, Irish born and bred with the pale skin, green eyes, and auburn hair to go with it. She was sweet with a strong no nonsense attitude.

Joey arrived one afternoon to find only Molly sitting with Peter. He got nervous, his mother had been a fixture at her father's bedside since he'd been brought to the family home.

"Hey," Joey greeted taking off his overcoat revealing his gold shield and weapon. "How is he today?"

"He's sleeping," Molly replied, her brogue making the words sound like music to Joey. "Your Mum's gone upstairs to rest a little while. Apparently she was sitting up most of the night, I promised I would stay."

Joey nodded, "Thanks for taking care of my Mom. She gets focused on others and doesn't take good care of herself."

"No worries, I like to taking of people, but I'm not so fond of seeing a family with so many guns." Molly found the Reagan family's heavy heat a little unsettling.

"Well, I'm on the job, I just stopped by to see how everyone was doing." Joey sat in the other chair by Peter's bed. "Should he be breathing so deeply like that?" Peter was taking deep, heaving type breaths.

"This breathing is just part of the process," Molly replied. "He's transitioning into the last few days now, labored breathing, it might become noisy, a rattling noise in his lungs. It doesn't hurt him, it's just a little disconcerting for the family. He hasn't been awake at all today and I suspect he won't be regaining consciousness."

Joey sighed, "My mom is trying so hard to be strong."

"Your mother is a lovely woman," Molly replied. "Peter confessed to me many secrets when I was taking care of him. He did it for your mother, the money. He did it to make her happy, he didn't mean any harm to her."

"I know," Joey agreed. "I know he did. He adores her. When I was seven, my mom had breast cancer, she had a couple of rough times and I remember her being in the hospital really sick one time and Grandad came to stay with us so Grandpa could be with my Dad at the hospital 24/7. He wanted nothing more than to go be with Mom but she was more or less unconscious and my Dad needed Grandpa incase…"

Molly nodded, "They seem to have settled things. It will be better for them. TO have all of that talked out, easier on him, easier on her too. Try to be here as much as you can the next couple of days. There's no telling when exactly it will be but it's going to be soon. He's actively dying now."

Eddie heard voices from where she was resting in the bedroom. She got up and headed down in case her dad was awake and needing something. She saw Joey talking quietly with Molly over Peter's prone form. "Hi, Sweetie," Eddie greeted as she came down stairs. "You off?"

"No, just took a few minutes to stop in and checkup. Did you have a nice rest?" Joey hugged Eddie quickly and let her have his seat.

"Yes, and I'm so glad you stopped by. We'll see you on Wednesday right?" Eddie preferred their family dinners to the large Reagan affairs, it was much more intimate.

"You bet," Joey replied. "What are we having?"

"Chicken stew," Eddie replied. "Granddad likes it and it's easy on the stomach too. Be safe out there."

Joey smiled at Molly and headed back to work. "He is very nice," Molly told Eddie when Joey was gone.

"He takes mostly after Jamie," Eddie replied. "But he got my ability to carry a grudge and his temper is more Serbian than Irish, a slow burn then a huge explosion."

Molly laughed, "Oh I could be telling you so many stories about the benefits of a slow burn, but I need to be going. I'll be back tomorrow, Lois will be here at 8 to do the final checks. See you in the morning."

Molly patted Eddie's arm and left. She wasn't sure if he patient would be there in the morning.

When Jamie got home from 1PP at six that night, he didn't find any supper on the table or Eddie bustling about the house. He found her and Frank sitting quietly by Peter's side. The rattling noise Molly had warned Joey about had begun to be detectable two hours earlier. Frank knew that sound, he sat with his Mary making that sound for three long days. Jamie's heart clenched, "Chinese, pizza, or Thai?" he asked knowing that take out would be the only option and the easiest way to get Eddie to eat.

"You pick, I'm not hungry." Eddie kept her focus on her dad's face, peaceful but elongated at his muscles were begging to relax.

Jamie looked over at Frank and he shook his head, "Eddie, you have to eat something. You are no good to your Dad if you don't eat. I'm going to get pizza, you can eat just one slice but you must eat at least that much. Did you take your medications? You have to eat to take your medications too."

"I can take it without food too and I did," Eddie replied. "Please Jamie, I'm not hungry."

Jamie backed off but ordered from Eddie's favorite place. "How about I make you some tea?" Frank asked needing a reason to talk to Jamie alone.

"Thank you, Dad," Eddie replied quickly agreeing to that idea.

Frank pulled Jamie aside in the kitchen, "The nurse told Joey and Eddie earlier that it's coming. She's been so quiet and hasn't had a bite all day. I'm going to make her some tea. I think pushing her isn't the way to go just now."

Jamie agreed and didn't make a fuss about Eddie eating. She picked on a slice of pizza and drank two cups of tea. Jamie sat up with her after Frank went to bed. "Do you want me to stay home?" Jamie asked.

She shook her head, "No, but I need you clock watch more and get home earlier, you are doing more than your fifty and I don't need you getting sick too."

Jamie nodded, "We had a couple busy days but it's under control now. I was talking to Joey earlier and he confessed he likes that day nurse, Molly what's her name. I think we finally are going to see him start to get over Annie and Debbie breaking his heart."

Eddie smiled, "She likes Joey. I saw them talking and she was batting her eyes at him, I don't think she knew it though. Dad would be happy if his death helped Joey find a little happiness."

Those later night talks became a staple in the house for the next three days, Frank, Jamie and Eddie would eat take out. On Wednesday Lila and Joey joined then and watched old family movies. Peter wasn't in many of them but that was a regret he and Eddie had put to rest. That night, Peter was uneasy. He shifted in bed, he was moaning and tossing his head. "Why is this taking so long!" Eddie burst out. "He is so sick, they said it should have happened by now."

"Maybe he's waiting for something, honey," Jamie suggested. "Perhaps he's waiting for you to tell him it's all right to say goodbye."

Eddie looked up at Jamie, "I can't do that. He'll think I'm trying to get rid of him, that he's a nuisance, I can't do that."

Jamie didn't push even though he knew in his heart he was right. Jamie patted Eddie's hand and kissed her head, "It's really late, baby. I'm going to bed, wake me if you need to."

Eddie agreed by squeezing Jamie's hand tight. "I love you," she whispered in the darkness.

"I love you, too. Goodnight, sweetheart." Jamie climbed the stairs to their room. He had a hard time sleeping with Eddie downstairs but she was where she needed to be. For her part, Eddie thought about what Jamie had said. Could she tell her father it was okay to let go? Was that what he needed to hear? Jamie had never done a bedside vigil before. How could he possibly know? Quietly, Eddie padded to Frank's room. The old man wasn't sleeping yet, he was up and down at all hours for years. She knocked the pushed the door open when told to come in.

"Are you all right, honey?" Frank asked, not used to having midnight visits with his children anymore.

"Dad, I have to ask you something and it's okay if you don't want to answer it." Eddie twirled her hair, a signs she felt nervous.

"I like to answer questions for my kids," Frank replied. "What can I do for you?"

"When Jamie's mom, Mary, when she was dying, did it take a long time like this? Did you say anything in particular that helped things along?"

Frank sighed, he hated remembering those moments. "Yes, Mary was a wonderful and devoted mother, she didn't want to leave the children so I promised her the night she died over and over I was there, I loved her, I loved the children, and I'd keep them all safe. It seemed to have the desired effect, she was restless but then calmed down and finally died in my arms as I was lying in the hospital bed with her?"

"Jamie suggested I do something similar but I don't want Dad to maybe hear me and think I'm wishing…" Eddie's voice cracked.

"He won't think that, angel," Frank promised. "He won't think that."

Eddie felt better after the talk with Frank. She got up and headed back to her father's bed. She toed off her slippers and laid down at his side, careful of hurting him. She was happy but surprised when his eyes opened. "Hey," Eddie smiled. "You're awake. How do you feel?"

Peter stared at her as if he was looking straight through her. He made a few soft sounds, trying to find his voice but found it failing him. Eddie softly stroked his cheek, "It's okay. It's okay, you don't have to talk. I know…I know…" She kissed Peter's temple. "I know you love me, Dad. I know you fought really hard to give me everything, to stay here with me, but…I'm okay. I am okay, so you don't have to worry about me. Go be with Mom, go be in peace, I'm okay. I won't be mad at you if you want to let go, Dad. I promise you."

For the rest of that night, Eddie kept repeating those phrases, letting Peter know she was okay and that she wanted him to go and he in peace. Finally, just before sun up on April 2nd, Peter took one final shuddering breath, with none to follow.

Eddie held her father's body, cherishing the last of the warm minutes together. When Frank came out for the morning paper, he realized right away what had happened, over 40 years a cop, he knew a body when he saw one. Eddie was silently crying, Jamie was still sleeping upstairs. Frank worked his way over to Peter, blessed himself, then the body, before slowly pulling Eddie away and into his own arms. "Sit down on the couch, I'll wake Jamie."

Frank went upstairs pushing the door to the master bedroom. Jamie lay on his side under the covers still fast asleep clutching Eddie's pillow to have a part of her near. Frank took a look at his boy then made his way to the bed, gently shaking him. "Hmm?" Jamie still woke up a little disoriented if he didn't get a good night's sleep.

"Jamie." At the tone in Frank's voice, Jamie sat up, fully awake, his heart dropping.

"Dad, what's wrong?" Jamie asked brushing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Eddie," Frank began as Jamie's blue eye widened. Frank didn't have to say another word, his look said it all for him. Jamie threw back the cover, grabbed his cane, and bolted down the stairs as best he could manage.

He found Eddie on the sofa, Frank had wrapped a blanket around her before going to get Jamie. Jamie sat at her side and pulled her in close, "I'm so sorry, baby. I am so so sorry."

Jamie didn't know what to expect, tears, anger, denial even, but Eddie just sat calmly in his embrace for a few minutes before speaking. "Call the kids, call Connelly's funeral home, it's the nicest. We'll have to go to Westchester and get one of his suits…" She pulled back from Jamie and began making lists.

Jamie got his phone and placed the first of many important calls that day, to Jack. "Eddie's dad passed away this morning, prepare that letter to appoint yourself acting Commissioner for three or four days so that I can be with Eddie. Inform Meyers so she can cancel the rest of this week."

With Jack on board and overseeing 1PP, Jamie called both children. Lila hurried right over, she only lived two bus stops away, but Joey sighed, "Dad, I'm at the hospital now getting a statement from the latest vic in the Easter Bunny rapist's reign of terror. I might need a couple hours, she's skittish so I have to be careful or she'll rabbit no pun intended."

"All right, son, you do what you have to do, just come see Mom after you're finished."

By the time the mail came, the every member of the Reagan family except Joey, Jack, and Nikki were swarming around the family home. Peter's body was taken just after Danny and Linda arrived. Linda too Eddie to the den while they packed the body for transport, leaving Jamie to oversee it. That gave Lila time to express her concern to her father. "Daddy, no offense but if that was you in that bag, I would be hysterical."

"Lila, your mom…This is the way your mother is dealing with this, okay? Try to be sympathetic to that. She needs to feel in control right now and we have to let her grieve the way she needs to do it, not how we want."

Erin agreed, "Jamie's right. When Joe died, that was my role. I held it all back for days making sure everything was right and everyone was taken care of. Grandpa did that with Grandpa Henry, he held it it. There's no right or wrong way, hon."

Lila felt a little better. Aside from her great grandpa, no one close to her had died. It was a new experience, even at 21, she did not have all the life experiences her mother had by that age. She was still very much sheltered, by her parents and now by Steven.

Jamie went to the den, "Eddie, you can come on out. I told them we'd be up there in an hour to start making arrangements. Danny offered to drive us up there and Sean offered to drive up to the house pick out some suits."

Eddie nodded, "His grey suit," she replied. "Get him his grey suit, he looks best in that. I better hurry or we'll be late.'

Eddie nearly jogged up the steps and jumped into the shower. She felt the tears behind her eyes but bit her lip, "No…you will not fall apart over this," she scolded herself. "He's at peace…that's what matters."

Eddie washed and dressed and was ready to leave on time. Jamie and Danny were quiet as she got into the car. Jamie moved to hold her hand, she pulled away. Jamie sat back and let her have her space, forcing himself to remember his own sage words to his daughter. He had to let Eddie do this part her way.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The day of the funeral was warm and sunny. It was a small affair, mostly former colleagues of Eddie and Jamie's, current city officials, and the Reagan family itself with the exception of Nikki, who did not drive down for the event. Eddie had held herself together very well through the days leading up to the wake and funeral, so much so that Jamie and the rest of the family were getting a little concerned. Jamie stood beside Eddie at the graveside service, she had become Catholic when they got married to spare the children's confusion, Peter remained Episcopalian. The Reverend spoke the words that would inter Peter's body. Jamie watched Eddie carefully, watching her for a reaction. "In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our brother Peter; and we commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless him and keep him, the Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious unto him, the Lord lift up his countenance upon him and give him peace. Amen."

"Amen," the assembly repeated as Eddie tossed a handful of dirt on the coffin. Jamie followed along with Lila and Joey. Joey was keeping a close eye on his mother as well. She still hadn't cried.

"The family would like to invite all of you that have come to pay your respects to Peter to one of his favorite restaurants, Starlight immediately following this service," the funeral director announced.

Slowly the small collection of people began to disburse leaving only Eddie and Jamie standing near the open grave. "You okay?" Jamie asked bring his hand up to massage the back of Eddie's neck.

"Fine," Eddie replied. "Just a little cold, it's really damp. How's your leg on this ground with it being so damp?"

"It's good, nice and sturdy," Jamie replied. "But this isn't about me, it's about you. You've been so busy planning this service…"

"Jamie, Dad wasn't really a part of my daily life so it's not going to be that much of a leap to get back to doing normal things. Did you call the hospice to have them take all the equipment away?"

"Dad called," Jamie replied. "They are there now taking it away as you wanted. Eddie, I know you and your dad had your differences but…"

"Jamie, let's not make this a bigger deal than it has to be okay? I'm fine, let's go to the restaurant, have a drink and some food and get on with our lives. Things have been too weird since Dad came to the house and we have to focus on Lila and …" Eddie started to ramble. Jamie only sighed, he didn't know when this would all come to a head but he was certain that it would.

The drive from the Westchester burial ground to the Manhattan restaurant allowed Lila, exhausted with the strains of early pregnancy to nap on her husband's shoulder. Eddie, who hadn't been able to sleep since that night, laid in a similar fashion against Jamie's arm leaving only the four men awake to talk in that car.

"How's she doing, really Dad?" Joey asked.

Jamie checked to be sure Eddie was soundly sleeping before replying, "She's holding it all back, Joe and it's not good for her. She's not sleeping, I had to practically force her to eat this morning and you know how Mom loves her food."

"Just let her go in her own time son," Frank advised. "You can push her to talk all you want but if she's not ready…I learned that the hard way. Let her have the space and when it comes, be there."

Jamie knew his father was right. Jamie looked at Lila, "Is Lila holding up? She was the closest Peter."

"She's cried but now she is more worried about her mother," Steven replied. "Lila wants to spend time with Eddie over the next few weeks to talk about baby stuff, to offer her support and keep her distracted."

Jamie nodded, "That will be good for them both. Eddie and Lila, it was funny, Eddie was always closer to Joe and I was closer to Lila, but lately Joe and I bridged that gap and Eddie is still trying. I'm glad Lila offered that idea."

The cars parked in front of the restaurant, Jamie and Steven slowly shook their wives awake. Jamie stayed close to Eddie, making sure not wayward reporter decided it was a good idea to photograph the PC's wife while she was grieving for her ex-convict father. Jamie would absolutely not stand for this becoming some young pup reporter's cannon fodder.

The repast was as much a political event was it was a bereavement event. There were many of Jamie's colleagues, city officials, even some state officials. Eddie went into hostess mode. She had learned during Jamie's tenure as PC to be a very good political asset. She shook hands, nodded her head, and whispered names in Jamie's ear when he forgot them. She did not shed a tear or show an ounce of emotion whatsoever.

That evening, back at the house, Danny pulled Jamie aside. "What's with Eddie? She's acting like some kind of robot or something."

"She's got it all bottled up, Danny," Jamie sighed. "Eddie does this. She does this, she holds things inside until they boil over. I remember her first kill, over a week. She just slipped further and further away until I finally broke through. The thing with her and Erin, she held onto that pain for thirty years. I think that she was taught that she wasn't allow to be upset or something. When things settle down, I will just sit by her and let her work through it. Thanks for your concern though. You can tell the rest of the worrywarts that I have it handled and the sooner we have a little family privacy, the better."

Danny nodded. Jamie and his branch of the Reagan family were a little more reclusive than the rest of it. He whispered to Linda that they needed to get moving, that Jamie and Eddie needed time for her to cope. Within an hour, only Frank, Eddie, and Jamie remained.

Frank gave Eddie hug, "I'm going to go rest for a while. If you need me honey, anytime, you come and you get me." Frank kissed her cheek.

"Thanks, Dad. I think I'm going to go up and take a hot bath. It was so cold out there today, wasn't it?"

Jamie and Frank exchanged concerned looks, but let Eddie head upstairs. "She'll be okay," Jamie assured Frank. "I've got it covered."

While Eddie soaked in the tub, Jamie turned down their bed. It wasn't very late but after the emotional day they could both use some time to sit and relax. When Eddie stepped out of the bathroom, she was in a Jamie's big blue bathrobe. Jamie smiled at her, "Baby, if you want me wrapped around you, all you have to do is ask." Jamie patted the bed.

Eddie crawled into bed and laid her head on Jamie's chest. Jamie stroked her arm through his robe. "Eddie, I…"

Eddie turned and looked up at Jamie. "I don't want to talk about this, I want…I need…"

"Tell me, Sweetheart," Jamie whispered. "Just tell me and I'll…"

"Make love to me," Eddie whispered turning and leaning over Jamie to kiss his lip. "I need you…"

Jamie sighed, this was not what he had in mind but he knew Eddie well enough to know that she would hide for a long time before coming to terms with things. She was running from the pain of her father's death, if she didn't feel it, she could convince herself that he was still up in Westchester, alive and well. Jamie felt Eddie's mouth over his, she was focusing on him, on his body, perhaps having to remind herself that he was still alive and well beneath her hands. Jamie knew that this meant she wasn't dealing, she wasn't coping, he also knew it would all boil over eventually. He debated with himself as to whether or not this was a good idea, afraid to let her hide too much but also worried if he rejected her it would do more damage. As Eddie's arms ran down his side, he heard a small laugh, music to his ears after he last few days, if this was what Eddie needed from him now, he'd give it to her. Perhaps, their special connection could heal the pain from the outside in, there's nothing Jamie wouldn't give for that to happen, including himself.

 **A/N: So, Eddie is still working hard to hide her feelings and Jamie is working just as hard to bring them to the surface. Is Eddie handling things well or is she hiding her emotions behind her false bravado. Stay tuned.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Jamie woke up out of a dead sleep at 4 am three weeks later. He reached out on instinct to check on Eddie who had not been sleeping very well lately. He found the sheets smooth and cold. She'd never come to bed that night.

Reaching for his cane, Jamie got out of bed and slowly walked to the staircase. The TV was on, he could hear one of Eddie's favorite movies. He heard Denzel Washington, "This is no democracy. It is a dictatorship. I am the law!" Remember the Titans…She was trying to make herself cry.

Eddie had not shed a single tear since right after her father died in her arms. Peter had been gone nearly a month and she still had not found her grief. She was in such a dark place, shutting herself off. For the first week after the funeral, she wanted him nearly nonstop, but slowly she stopped asking for him affection and attention and retreated into herself. Lila had tried to engage her with baby talk but it fell on deaf ears. Earlier that day, Lila had called to ask Eddie to help her shop for her first Reagan dinner as the chief cook and bottle washer, something that Lila was very excited about. Eddie had agreed, much to Jamie's delight.

Jamie carefully negotiated the rest of the stairs. Eddie was lying on the sofa, the glow of the TV made her look so beautiful. Eddie heard Jamie approach, it was hard to miss the sound of his cane and his uneven step. "Go back to bed, I'm fine," Eddie said before she could even see her husband.

"I think we both know that's not true," Jamie replied sitting in Frank's easy chair. He reached out for the remote control and paused the movie. "I know what you are doing, Eddie. You don't think I know after thirty years of marriage that you are trying to force up those emotions. This movie…" Jamie sighed and moved closer to her. "Honey, you watch this when you want to pull your feeling up and get in touch with your upset…"

"I am watching this because I love the movie, Jamie. Don't read anything into this. I know you want me to cry and sob and hiccup and be the sobbing wife so you can sweep in and save the day, but you know what, Jamie, that just isn't going to happen," Eddie snapped.

Jamie sighed, "Eddie, you know better than that! I don't want to see you in pain. Seeing you cry or be hurt, that is agony for me, but your father died, Eddie. He died and whether or not you had a good or bad relationship you have to have some kind of reaction! You treated his funeral like a political rally! Eddie…I am so scared for you right now because I know what's inside, I know what you are holding and when it comes out, I pray that I'm with you to help you get through it, but I can't promise that!"

"Well you could have if you kept your promise to me, but you didn't!" Eddie got up off the couch and turned the DVD player off.

"God, Eddie, again!" Jamie was getting frustrated. "I had a stroke, and I was sick for a while but I'm better now and I am not ready for the rocking chair. I am not ready to retire, and I never promised you I would!"

"Go to bed, Jamie," Eddie replied. She didn't want to fight with him but she didn't know what else to do. She was so angry at herself, most other people would have cried, they would have feelings. What was wrong with her that she was so dead inside? This happened before, and she was always able to pull out in a few days. Why not now? Had she really hated her father like she often claimed? If she did, she should feel joy at his death, not this heavy numbness.

"Eddie, I love you," Jamie said softening his tone. "And I want to help but I don't know how. So you do what you need to do. You watch your movie, you drink your wine…When you need me, I'll be there. I'm not going to tell you what to do anymore because it's not helping you, baby. I don't want to hurt you anymore than you already are hurting." Jamie walked closer to Eddie and pulled her into his arms. "I want you to come to bed, baby. You are so tired…and I sleep better with you next to me. You have a big day tomorrow with Lila, come on and at least lie down and get some rest."

Jamie touched his forehead to Eddie's as he saw her stance soften. "All right, and you have to be up at 6:30 for that meeting. Let's go on up. I'm sorry, I'm snapping I'm just…"

Jamie nodded, she didn't have to say it, he already knew.

Eddie picked Lila up the next afternoon for a quick lunch before they hit the grocery store to shop for Sunday dinner. "I was thinking of making this cranberry sage stuffing that Steven really likes," Lila suggested as she and Eddie pushed the carts through the supermarket aisle.

"Dad doesn't like a lot of sage but the cranberry is a nice idea," Eddie replied. "How are you feeling honey? You haven't really talked about the baby much."

"I'm not feeling too bad," Lila replied. "Just queasy in the morning and very very tired."

"I remember that well," Eddie replied. "When I was pregnant with your brother I was so sick. I was pregnant with you I wasn't as sick. You, my dear, might be having a little girl."

As the ladies continued to shop for the Sunday feast, Lila reached up and placed two packages of Milano cookies in the basket. Eddie was picking up boxes of instant pudding and didn't notice her daughter's selection. "Pudding Mom?" Lila asked.

"Drugstore cake," Eddie replied. "The pudding makes it much moister. It took me a long time to learn how to please everyone's pallet but you will learn. It's a right of a passage for a Reagan woman, her first Sunday dinner." Eddie looked at Lila. "I still have a hard time thinking of you as a grown up."

Lila smiled, "I know sometimes I have a hard time realizing that too. Was it weird for you get married to Dad? Was it a big change?"

"Not for me," Eddie replied honestly. "I was on my own before I got married for a while and I was ready to be with someone else again. I the care and concern of living with another person. You were going from living with us as our daughter to being the woman of the house, that's a big change and it's a little overwhelming."

"Steven's a great husband," Lila told Eddie as they finished their trip with a spin through frozen foods. "Dad would be proud of Joey if he was like Steven. Did he ever ask Molly out?"

"Yes, they went on their first and second date last week," Eddie replied. "He's ready to bring her to dinner and he's happier than I have seen him in a long time. When both of my children are happy then I can stop worrying."

Lila ran her hand over Eddie's back, "You'll still worry, and you and Dad have that down to a science."

They rounded the corner headed for the checkout aisle. Eddie wasn't supposed to lift heavy things but she wasn't going to let her pregnant daughter lift cases of water and soda so she did it herself. Lila unloaded the smaller, lighter items including two packages of Milano cookies. Eddie grabbed two diet iced teas from the fridge in the aisle and was about to place them on the belt when she saw the cookies.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Eddie began to shake. The two bottles she held in her hands fell to the floor as she involuntarily reached up to cover her mouth to stifle the sobs coming from deep inside of her. Lila stopped what she was doing, "Mom?" Lila gently touched Eddie's shoulder but she tossed her off. "Mommy?" Lila tried again not sure what was happening to her mom.

"Ma'am?" the check out clerk asked the older woman. "Ma'am are you all right? Should I get her some water?"

Lila acknowledged the clerk with a nod of her head, laser focused on her mother. "Mom, let's go sit on the bench." Eddie was frozen except for the shaking. She was gasping for air with tears running down her face. She was breathing so hard and so fast Lila was scared she might pass out.

The clerk and Lila helped Eddie to a bench while another cashier jumped in to scan the groceries. Lila's eyes fell on the cookies. When Eddie saw the cookies…Grandpa Peter always gave those exact cookies to her and Joey when they were little and visited him in Westchester. "Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry." Lila wrapped her body around her mother trying to absorb the pain that was coming in waves from Eddie's body. Her sobs were heartbreaking. She didn't seem to notice they were in public, all that Eddie could focus on in that instance was the intense blinding pain.

Lila pulled out her cell phone and dialed Jamie's cell phone.

Jamie was in a closed door meeting with his deputies and Jack when the cell phone went off. He glanced at the screen seeing it was Lila's number. She would never call him during the day unless. "Excuse me, I have to take this call."

Jamie flicked the screen and put the phone to his ear, "Lila?" Jamie could ear Eddie's cries in the background.

"Dad, you better come," Lila said quickly. "I don't know what to do."

Jamie sighed, it would take at least an hour for him to get to Brooklyn. "It's going to take me sometime honey, I'm at 1PP. Try to get Mom home, I'm going to call Grandpa so he can help when you arrive. Leave the groceries, leave the car, get her in a cab and go home. I'll meet you there and send your uncle after the groceries and the car all right?"

"Mom, let's go home now, okay? Dad's going to meet us at home. Let's just get a taxi…" Lila help Eddie's arm and pulled her to her feet with the cashier's help.

"Is she sick?" the girl wanted to know.

"No, my granddad, her Dad passed and I think…It finally hit her. Thank you so much for your help, my father will be able to help her at home." Lila offered a smile. 'If you bag the groceries my uncle, Danny Reagan, will come and get them."

Lila hailed the taxi and got inside with Eddie instructing the driver to take them to her parent's address while Jamie called Danny about the groceries and headed full speed for home with his detail running to catch up.

Frank was waiting on the front porch when the taxi delivered Lila and a still shaking Eddie to the house. Lila had to help Eddie up the stairs, she was so short of breath and weak from weeks of poor sleep. Frank took Eddie from Lila as soon as she was within reach. "Come on, sweetheart. Let's come sit down." Eddie leaned on Frank, putting all her weight on the old man's arm. Frank wavered a bit but managed to get Eddie to the couch.

Lila was in tears herself by this time. She had never seen her mother lose her composure like this and nothing she did or said helped. If anything, Eddie got worse on the drive home instead of better. "Do you think I need to call an ambulance?"

"No, honey," Frank replied. "I know it looks like she can't breathe, but it's okay really. I think you should wait for Uncle Danny and get a ride home from him."

"Grandpa!" Lila gasped. "Listen to her. I'm not leaving her like this!"

"Lila, sweetie," Frank sighed. "In your condition, this will only put more stress on you. If something happened to the baby your Mom would never forgive herself."

Lila sighed, "I'll go upstairs so she's not worried but I want to be close if she needs me." Lila kissed Eddie's head, "I love you, Mom. I'm going upstairs to lie down but if you need me I'll be right here."

Eddie didn't respond, she laid weakly against Frank still sobbing and holding her chest. "It…" she tried to speak but couldn't get enough air. "Jam…"

"Jamie's coming, honey," Frank soothed. "He's coming to be with you, I promise. I know it hurts, Eddie. I know it hurts so badly, and you need to let it all out. Let it all out."

It broke Frank's heart to see Eddie like this. He'd been with her for some of the worst days of her life. He was with Jamie in the hospital the night they thought that Eddie might die of pneumonia while she battled cancer. The poor girl was so ill she had to tip her own head back each time she drew a breath. Still, that was somehow easier than this.

Frank watched the clock, Jamie should be here by now. Eddie was intermittently asking for him and each time he didn't appear she began to cry even harder. Her sobs were turning to screams, screams that she didn't have the energy to produce but somehow she did.

"Where's Jamie?" Eddie gasped in between the sounds of her anguish. "I need Jamie…is he…"

"He's coming, Eddie," Frank assured her rocking the girl he loved like his own daughter in his arms. "I promise you, Jamie is coming."

Frank reached for the phone and dialed Jamie's number.

For his part, Jamie's heart was pounding. There was a lot of heavy traffic getting from Manhattan to Brooklyn but he held back from ordering the lights and sirens. Jamie's phone came to life almost one hour after Lila's initial call. "Eddie!" he answered hopefully when he saw the house number on the screen.

"No, Jamie, it's Dad. What's your ETA son? She's…" Jamie could still hear his wife making that horrible sound. Oh, he hated that sound. "She's having trouble breathing and I think she's convincing herself something happened to you."

"I'm trying, Dad," Jamie replied. 'There's traffic and …." The minute he said that the car sped up. "I think it cleared, I should be there in fifteen minutes."

Satisfied, Frank ended the call and focused all his attention on Eddie. She cries were dimming to hiccups as she lost strength and energy. Frank felt her body going limp with exhaustion, then heard the delicious sound of a key in the lock.

Jamie stepped into the living room, not totally prepared for what he saw there. He didn't see Lila or Danny, though the latter had delivered the car and food before going upstairs to comfort his niece.

Frank smiled at his son, "Eddie, look, sweetheart," Frank turned her head towards the door. "Look. Jamie's here."

Jamie removed his coat and moved closer to Eddie. He sat on the sofa and took his wife into his arms. "Oh, baby…" He sighed. "I am so sorry. I'm so sorry." Eddie began to cry again in earnest, now where she needed and wanted to be. Jamie didn't say a word, he just held Eddie against his chest, letting her listen to his breath and his heartbeat. There were no words, nothing to say to make it any better, all Jamie could do was ride this wave with her and keep her safe and warm in his arms.

 **A/N: Well, the dam finally broke and it's up to Jamie to put the pieces back together. Thank to everyone for the views and reviews. I hope this chapter lived up to your expectations of Eddie's release. Five more chapters to go in this story, then we'll watch as the Reagan family grows once more…**

 **This week's installment of Pillow Talk will be out on Friday. Travel to Boston with Jamie and Eddie. There will only be one chapter this week before wrapping up the trip with a visit to Plymouth and Harvard Yard.**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Lila came downstairs an hour later. Eddie was sound asleep in Jamie's arms, her breathing finally evened out and her body had relaxed. Jamie intermittently kissed Eddie's head, watching her sleep. He looked up when he heard Lila enter the room. Jamie offered her a gentle smile, "How you holding up, Kitten?"

Lila sank into the chair, "I was so scared, Dad. Mom was crying so hard, she was gasping and holding her chest. I thought she was having a heart attack."

"I'm sorry you had to see that," Jamie replied. "I was so worried when you called, I wanted to be with Mom so badly to help her through this. She's been stuck in such a rough place since Grandad died. Too many regrets." Jamie brushed back a piece of Eddie's hair and kissed the crown of her head.

"I didn't know how to help her," Lila confessed. "Joe would have known but I didn't."

"You're still young," Jamie soothed seeing Lila was starting to cry. "Oh, come here, Kitten. Come here…" Jamie reached out his free arm to hold his daughter. "Ssh, you did so well. You did. You got Mom home, you gave her the space she needed to cry it out. Mom has been holding so much inside for so long. It's all right…" Jamie shifted Eddie so she was lying on his lap and pulled Lila to his chest. She was always an emotional girl, but her pregnancy made her more so.

"I'm sorry, Dad," Lila sobbed. "It's all my fault. If I didn't pick up those cookies…"

"No," Jamie soothed. "No, Kitten. This was going to happen one way or another. Mom was holding in so much pain and hurt. There's years of pain and anger inside of her that she had to let go of, Sweetie. It's not your fault. Why do you kids always make things your fault, hmm?"

Lila cried into Jamie's chest as he rocked her. She missed Peter too. Of all of them, she had been the closest to him, even having weekly lunches with him in school. Jamie dropped soft kisses on Lila's head. When Lila finally cried herself out she sat up. "I better get home, Dad. Steven is getting off at midnight and I am going to be busy cooking tomorrow. Tell Mom I love her, okay?"

Jamie nodded and stood up shakily. His leg was stiff from holding the same position for so long. He reached for his cane and walked Lila to the kitchen where Danny was patiently waiting to take her home. "Take care of my girl," Jamie told his older brother.

Danny smiled, "You bet. Eddie okay?"

"Yeah, she's sound asleep," Jamie replied going to the cabinet for a drink. "I have never seen her that way. No when she got sick, not after my stroke, not when she and Erin had the big blow out. Thanks for having our back today."

Danny patted Jamie's arm, "That's what big brothers are for, especially retired ones. Let me know if you need me to come sit with her or anything if she'd not having a good day or whatever."

Jamie nodded as Lila and Danny headed out to Danny's car.

Lila had just gotten out of the shower when Steven got home from his 60 hour shift. All it took was one look to tell she'd had a rough day. Steven dropped his gear and moved closer to her, "What's wrong? You feeling okay?"

"Mom," Lila replied. "She, uh…"

"Lila," Steven sighed. "When are you and your Mom going to settle this stuff…?"

"Steven, it's not that," Lila replied. "And pick up your stuff. I'm not your maid, I'm your wife. I wash laundry but only if it makes it to the hamper!"

Steven looked at Lila with a question in his eyes. "Lil…"

"We went to the grocery store today after lunch," Lila began. "It was going great, Mom and I are fine, we are fine so you saying we aren't…"

"Lila," Steven sighed taking her hand to stop her pacing. "Breathe. What happened?"

"Mom broke down," Lila told him stepping closer for him to hold her. "I bought some cookies and she just started to shake and sob. I had to put her in a taxi to take her home. We had to send for my Dad."

Steven hugged Lila tight, "I'm sure that was pretty tough for you to see, Sweetie. I know that you always saw your Mom as holding herself together very well."

Lila nodded, "The thing is, no matter what happened to us as a family, Mom has always been able to fix things for us. She was the one that held it together. My Dad told me that when she found out she had cancer, she held him and reassured him. I really wanted to be there when she needed me, Steve. I really did and I couldn't I…When my mother was hurting and needed me the most, I didn't know how to help her."

Lila buried her face in Steven's chest. "My Grandpa wanted to send me home, they were so concerned about the baby when Mom was gasping for air on the couch. She kept asking for Dad over and over…"

Steven rocked with his wife secure in his arms, "And he came home and took good care of her. Tomorrow, when you go over to work on dinner, just give her a really big hug and kiss and tell her you love her."

Lila nodded, "I'm going to make her proud of me, Steven. I'm going to do Sunday dinner proud."

"If you cook for your family like you do for me, they'll never want anyone else to do it ever again. You are going to knock the socks off of them."

Lila tipped her head back and offered Steven a good kiss on the lips. She always felt better in his arms, "I wasn't kidding about you picking up your stuff. I'm going to bed, are you coming?"

Steven smiled, picked up his bags, preparing to relocate them, then slid into bed beside his wife. He liked what pregnancy was doing to her. It made her already beautiful figure even more intriguing to him and her already generous libido go into overdrive. Even with the morning sickness, she was always ready to let him love her. Tonight, would be no different.

Just before one in the morning, Eddie started to stir in her sleep. Jamie had sat by her side with a few brief trips to the kitchen or bathroom. Jamie reached out and stroked her hair. "I'm here," Jamie whispered. "I'm right here, sweetie."

Eddie opened her grainy, tired eyes and looked up at Jamie. Her head was pillowed by his legs, his hands softly stroking her face. "Hey, what time is it?"

"Almost one in the morning," Jamie replied gently. "You've been asleep for a really long time. You must have needed it."

"I still feel so tired and shaky," Eddie replied trying to sit up. She found herself restricted by Jamie's arms.

"Lie still, just for a few minutes,' Jamie encouraged. "You had a really traumatic day and you need to take it slow."

"Jamie, I have to go to the bathroom. I need to get up," Eddie protested. Jamie released her and held her as she sat up slowly. "Go to the bathroom, I'll make you a snack and a drink. Then we can talk a little if you feel like doing that."

Eddie smiled gently at Jamie and placed a soft kiss on his lips. "I love you," she whispered. "I know I've been…"

Jamie shook his head to shush her, "Go to the bathroom, have something to eat, then we'll talk all right?" Jamie returned her kiss softly wanting to make sure Eddie knew that he was there.

"Let's go to our room," Eddie said as she headed for the steps. "I'm going to change, you need to get some rest."

Jamie smiled, "I'm not important now but bed is a good idea. I'll meet you upstairs."

Jamie made Eddie a cup of tea and some toast. It took him more than one trip to get the food and beverages up the steps. Eddie was waiting when he arrived with a cup of tea for himself. She turned down their bed and was lying on her side curled up in a ball when Jamie stretched out beside her. Jamie reached out and cupped her shoulder, "Eddie, I can't tell you how sorry I am. I knew this was coming for days and I didn't take every precaution to be sure I was there for you. You had to go through a lot of this alone today and …"

"Jamie," Eddie sighed rolling over. "I…I didn't even know it was going to happen today or ever really. I miss Dad," Eddie sighed. "More than I thought but I thought I was going to be okay."

Jamie turned so he could hold Eddie close. "I knew you weren't okay, Eddie. I knew it when I saw you watching the movies and snapping at me that the dam was going to burst. I should have been more aware of it."

"Jamie, you had no way of knowing it," Eddie said again but he shook his head.

"I did. I did know," Jamie sighed stroked Eddie's arm up and down slowly. "You've been doing this stuff our entire married life. You bottle up all the pain and the anguish you feel. You store it and store it until you explode and crash. Look at when you were sick. You were tired and frustrated and feeling sicker than you would admit. Until that day with the bathtub, then I couldn't get you out of bed for days."

"Jamie that was a very dark time," Eddie replied. "I am not there now, I'm not going to do that now…"

"I know, I know…but I kills me that you hold it all back. That you let things that hurt you eat at you and eat at you…" Jamie made sure to keep a gentle touch on her arm. "It kills me to see you in that kind of pain. To see you holding things in and hurting yourself. Why do you do that Eddie? After thirty years of marriage, three four years together, why do you still do that?"

Eddie played with her hands and mumbled something that sounded like not being a burden to him.

"Hey," Jamie said a little more firmly than he meant to. "Don't you ever say that again, do you hear me? You are not a burden to me no matter what…Where do you get such ridiculous ideas…"

Jamie regretted his words immediately. Eddie's breath caught in her chest and she began to cry again. Jamie's arms came around her immediately cradling her trembling form to his chest "Ssh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I just…I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore. Ssh."

"He was my Dad," Eddie sobbed into Jamie's arms. "He was my dad and I just…I was so horrible to him. I didn't forgive him, why didn't I forgive him?"

Jamie sighed and just held Eddie. He couldn't reason with her about her pain, it was her grief and her loss to bare. When Eddie finally quieted, Jamie kissed the tear tracks on her face. "You did forgive him," Jamie whispered. "You did forgive him, sweetheart. You brought him here for the last days of his life. You nursed him. You fed him. You held him when he took that last breath, Eddie, you forgave him, you loved him, and he knew it."

Eddie drew a shaky breath, "Yeah?" Eddie knew in her heart that she had done her best for her father and had made sure his death was peaceful but hearing Jamie say it made it all the more real.

"Yeah." Jamie kissed the tip of her nose. "Then, instead of mourning that, you shut off on me. You shut down your heart and your mind and I couldn't get through the armor."

Eddie nodded, "When my mother died, my father lost it. He really lost it right then and there. Other people had to step in and do everything for her funeral services, to make things right so her memory was honored. Most of those people didn't know her, they were making all kinds of crazy choices so I took it over and I made the choices. There was no room to cry."

Jamie nodded, "That makes sense. When my Mom died, I was pretty young but I know Danny…He felt similar to you, He had to help my Dad with most of it. You weren't more than fifteen…"

"Three weeks shy of my sixteenth birthday," Eddie replied. "The rest of that year was dealing with her death, then my dad got arrested and I learned really fast not to cry, not to let anyone see…"

Jamie kissed Eddie's hair, "I'm not anyone. My dad isn't just anyone. You know how much I love you, you are our family. Our children love you so much. Lila was worried sick, she told me to tell you how much she loves…"

Eddie gasped, "Oh no, Lila was there…she saw…Oh Jamie." Eddie reached for the phone but Jamie grabbed her arm.

"It's very late, she's sleeping honey. She was fine when she left. She was concerned you were going to have a heart attack." Jamie kept rubbing Eddie's back keeping her calm.

"Was I that horrible?" Eddie asked.

"You were very upset, and you were hyperventilating so it looked scary but honey…" Jamie sighed. "Lila is a big girl, yes she's in a delicate state but she's our daughter and she's from tough stock. Look at who her mother is." Jamie smiled. "You'll see tomorrow when she comes by to work on dinner that she's fine, but I'm sure she'd feel so much better if you spoke to her one to one and set some things right."

Eddie agreed, "I will. Jamie…" Eddie held his gaze with her own, she felt her throat tighten again. "Let's promise right now we'll make the most of it. That we won't take things for granted. Promise me?"

Jamie kissed Eddie's hair. "I promise you, I won't, now promise me. If you hurt say it, okay. I won't judge, you know I won't. If you hurt, if you are scared, if you are anything, please say it, Eddie. No more big breaks, just as many small ones as you need. I still can't tie my shoes, I need you." Jamie tried to make her smile and was delighted when she did.

"That's why you have Velcro," she laughed. "I will work on it. I will try so hard not to bottle up anymore, you try to be here when I don't."

"I will," Jamie promised. "I'm going to talk to Meyers and reevaluate my schedule so I'm home a little earlier, all right?"

Eddie never replied, she was snoring softly in his arm catching up on some much needed sleep.

 **A/N: Jamie had his hands full with both his girls. Next up, Lila and Eddie have a heart to heart and Joey speaks to Jamie about a special lady. Things are about to turn around for the Reagan family. Maybe…**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Jamie was in the kitchen stirring a pot of chili when Lila arrived the next morning. She had her recipes with her and the chicken she prepared at home. "Hey, Dad," Lila smiled and hugged Jamie. "How's Mom?"

"She's upstairs resting," Jamie replied. "She woke up with a bad headache but she asked for me to send you upstairs when you arrived. Let me take that chicken."

Lila handed the food over and went upstairs to see Eddie. She pushed open her parents' bedroom door. Eddie was out of bed, sitting in the big easy chair they had in there. She got up when she saw Lila and went to hold her daughter tight, "I am so sorry, honey. I'm so sorry."

"Why?" Lila asked. "I'm okay, I'm just glad you are all right. I was worried."

"That's what I'm sorry for honey," Eddie sighed and stroked Lila's hair. "I held in so much about Granddad and I let it upset you. I'd never forgive myself if I caused something to happen to the baby."

Lila instinctively put her hand on her belly to protect her baby. "The baby is fine. He or she already loves their grandma and they're worried about you too. What happened Mom?"

Eddie sighed, "Ever since I was little, I was raised that you didn't anyone see you cry. I had to be in control a lot of the time, especially after your grandma Janko died. I think I learned that lesson a little too well and I just couldn't let myself really feel it and miss my dad. When I saw those cookies and remembered how much he loved you kids and how much he loved me even if he did make mistakes…I realized what I lost and it hurt more than I expected."

Lila sat on the bed and crossed her legs, "That Mom, is grief."

"Those sociology classes paying off huh?" Eddie smiled. "I know and I guess I never thought I'd feel that for granddad, but I do. Dad is really trying to make it better but I think the only thing that's going to do that is time."

Lila reached over and pulled Eddie close, "I'm going to be here for you, Mom and Joey too. Steven was worried but he has a lot of faith in Dad. Steven thinks it's the mark of a good husband, being able to calm your wife down when she's upset."

Eddie laughed, "It's part of being a good husband. I'm glad Steven realized how necessary that part is. Is he here?"

"No, he's sleeping at home. He'll be over later to watch the game with Dad and Joey. Oh, do you know who Joey is bringing to dinner? He called me and said to be careful when I chose dessert because his friend that he was bringing to dinner was allergic to cherries and strawberries. I'm making a pecan pie and a drugstore cake so I think it's fine."

"I have no idea who it is," Eddie replied. 'But good for him. He barely got over Annie when he met Debbie and then that went bad so…"

"He really needs to find someone," Lila replied. "He deserve that. Joey is ready to be in a relationship, you know? I hope whoever this is she's worth it and makes him happy."

Eddie and Lila headed downstairs together. Lila felt at ease seeing her Mom and Eddie felt relaxed knowing her daughter wasn't upset. Jamie had the chicken in bowl and was again stirring the chili.

Eddie slid her arms around his waist, "Go relax. I can finish here." She placed a peck on Jamie's cheek.

"Are you sure?" Jamie asked. He had been pretty worried about Eddie since Peter died. Today was the first day that she seemed to be herself, if not very tired.

"I'm sure," Eddie replied smiling. "I'm going to help Lila and we're going to talk about the baby some. You have been working way too hard and fussing over me. Go put your feet up and relax."

Jamie smiled and headed to join Frank in the living room. He had to admit his leg was feeling stiff from overuse the last few days. He settled on the couch and propped it up on a few pillows.

"Lila and Eddie all right?" Frank asked as Jamie settled down to rest.

"Yeah, they talked it out. Eddie was just concerned she stressed Lila out," Jamie replied. "I never got a chance to say thank you for taking such great care of Eddie yesterday. I never should have encouraged her to go out shopping with Lila. I knew she was building up to a break and I should have been there."

"Don't put this on you, Jamie," Frank advised. "When you were called you stopped everything and got to Eddie's side as fast as you possibly could. That's what family is for son. I love her like a daughter, you think, even if you were home, I wouldn't have tried to comfort her. She went through a very hard time losing her father without there being any real resolution. I think it was good that I had a little time with her."

"Now, if you remove the skin," Eddie instructed. "The butter and the herbs will cook on firm and all the flavor won't peel off when you bite into the chicken."

Lila worked on prepping the chicken, "What if this recipe is a disaster?"

"Then…look…" Eddie opened the deep freezer and pulled out two vegetable lasagna. "This is my emergency Sunday dinner. When I get the urge to cook I make a ton of these."

Lila laughed, "Thanks, Mom."

"You are going to be fine. This is all part of being a married lady. Doing your own Sunday dinner and being at the heart of the family. One day, when Dad and I are gone, and you or Joey…"

Lila began to cry the moment Eddie mentioned her and Jamie being gone. "Lila, honey what is it?"

Eddie hurried to give her a warm hug, "Does something hurt?"

Lila shook her head, "No, I just…I don't want to think about you and Dad not…I don't want to feel like you did yesterday."

"Oh, Lila, honey…" Eddie soothed. "I don't mean now, I mean in a long long time baby. Ssh…And you won't feel like me honey. You won't make the mistakes that I did. Oh, Lila…If Dad or I upset you or make you angry, if we hurt you, please come to us and tell us. Please do that so we can make it right before it's our time to go. I didn't and I made a huge mistake. I hurt Granddad and myself."

Lila hugged Eddie, "Tell me about that. You never talked about it with us, you just always said you didn't see eye to eye."

Eddie sighed, "I don't want to tarnish your memories of him. And the truth is what he did was for me. Granddad grew up with nothing and so did your grandma on my side. He wanted me to have everything I could possibly have. When he wasn't earning the money on his own, he stole some other peoples, lots of other peoples. It made life very hard on me when it came out. I had just lost my mom and now I was losing my Dad to prison. I held that anger in for so many years, Lila. I let it eat at me and eat at me…"

"Why didn't you just say that you were hurt and angry? Why let it eat at you?"

Eddie shrugged, "It's the way I was brought up. You didn't speak out. You just didn't. You held your feelings in as hard as you possible could, as long as you didn't let your feeling out, didn't let it show."

"I remember seeing you get upset at things, though. When Dad was in the hospital…"

Eddie sighed, "After I met your father that changed a lot. He helped me be able to open up about a lot of things, but I had a really hard time with anything connected to Granddad. That's why I struggled with things with Aunt Erin, her judgment was because of that issue. I never let it go all the way."

Lila held Eddie's hand, "I think I got the Reagan blood on that one then. There is not a thing that I haven't said to you and Dad. I love you both so much and the idea of either one of you not being here…It is so scary."

Eddie held both of Lila's hands, "One day you will face that reality, but not for a long time. I know it's more frightening for you because I was sick, Dad was sick but we're better now so don't you worry. I'm sorry I made you cry."

Lila wiped her eyes, 'Let's finish getting dinner prepped then I think your grandchild wants to order Indian food for dinner. Steve will be here around five."

"You are not far along enough yet to be getting wacky cravings, but I think we can do Indian food tonight," Eddie laughed. "You work on this chicken and I'll go break the news to Dad. The chili can keep until Monday."

Jamie made a face at the menu change, but humored his daughter. He reached up and pulled Eddie down next to him as he rested his leg. "You had the craziest food cravings when you were pregnant. Joey was bad, you had these spurts where we ate the same thing day in and day out for weeks at a time, but with Lila I would be in the middle of the night looking for starfruit milkshakes and chocolate covered bananas."

Eddie laughed, "I gained 45 pounds when I had Lila. I didn't think I'd ever see my feet again."

The door opened as Eddie started to laugh. When the three older Reagans looked up and saw Steven all three broke out into fits of laughter thinking of what he was in for if Lila took after her mother or grandmother.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" Steven self-consciously patted his face.

Eddie pulled away from Jamie, "Oh, no…I'm sorry, we were remembering some of the crazy food craving I had when I was carrying Lila. She's into the Indian food right now…"

"Oh, yes and that place is crazy expensive too," Steven laughed. "How is she doing? Any sickness?"

"No, she's done really well. She's in the kitchen finishing some dinner prep," Jamie replied. "Eddie can check up on her and you can sit down and watch the rest of this game."

Before Eddie made it to the kitchen, Lila emerged. "Everything is as ready as it can get," she announced. "Hey you." Lila moved and gave Steven a kiss. "What's the score?"

Lila settled herself in Steven's lap, Eddie at Jamie's feet, putting his legs on her knees. Frank sat back and smiled at two couples in his family totally in love. He remembered that feeling with his Mary and shut his eyes. He missed her more now than ever as his time on the earth grew shorter.

"What are you thinking Dad?" Jamie asked seeing the wistful look on Frank's face.

"How much I miss your mother," Frank replied. "And that she's going to have to wait a little longer before I join her in Heaven. I have still have too much to do down her, I'm not going anywhere before I meet my next great-grandchild."

Lila smiled at Frank, "You better not, I'm pretty sure Dad is going to need plenty of lessons in spoiling his grandchild."

Jamie blushed, "Oh, don't remind me. I am so glad you are pregnant, Kitten and I'm so excited for you but grandpa…."

"Oh, don't worry," Eddie replied. "You will excel at that just like you do everything else. All you have to do is spoil your grandchild rotten, they go home at the end of the night…"

Jamie laughed at the look on Lila's face, the sound of his musical laughter proved infectious and contagious. The small branch of the Reagan family kept finding reasons to laugh through the rest of the night.

 **A/N: It's time for another shout out to lawslave for always reading my crazy ideas before they become a story and to yanks20 for helping me when I get stuck on dialogue especially in a transitional chapter like this one. You ladies are the best. Also, thanks to the readers and reviewers, I'm glad you are enjoying.**

 **Next up Sunday dinner with Joey's new lady friend...and it's Lila's first time as chef...We'll see how that goes on Wednesday. Please send your comments.**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Jamie sat relaxing in the kitchen early Sunday morning. Lila and Steven hadn't arrived yet and Eddie and Frank were still asleep. Joe popped his head in the kitchen door. "Hey, Dad," he greeted. "How's Mom doing? I heard from Lila what happened but I haven't been able to make it over."

"Mom's fine. She's sleeping a little better and I think we turned the corner with that. It's nice of you to come over and ask me that, but you could have just called?" Jamie knew there was more to it than that.

"Yeah, actually, I wanted to ask you about my date for tonight. Lila thinks it's a bad idea for me to bring her to dinner in light of Mom's grieving but I did promise…"

"Who is she son?" Jamie asked putting down the paper and sipping his coffee.

"Molly Flannigan," Joey replied. "Granddad's hospice nurse. We struck up some good conversations while he was sick and I've been seeing her for a little while now. I'm ready to bring her to dinner and she's ready to come but Lila is concerned seeing her will set Mom off again."

Jamie too had this concern but he didn't want to tell Joey not to bring his new girlfriend. "I'll talk to Mom," Jamie replied. "How about…" Jamie rose from the table and got his wallet. "Go to the waffle place on the corner and get enough for the four of us to have for breakfast. That will get Mom in a really good mood."

Joey laughed, "She never could resist those cinnamon pecan ones. I'll bring you back the change."

Joey headed for the restaurant while Jamie climbed the stairs to wake Eddie. She was still sleeping soundly with one arm under her head and her bad arm, on a pillow. Jamie sat on the edge of the bed and moved a strand of a hair out of her face with a gentle hand. "Hey, sleepy head," he whispered. "It's almost nine. Time to get up."

Eddie sighed, "Jamie, would you mind if I didn't go to church? I'm not feeling well and I just want to get some more rest."

Jamie leaned over and gave Eddie a peck on the nose. "Why don't you get up and have breakfast with us, Joey is getting waffles. If you still don't feel like it, you don't have to go."

"Joey's here?" Eddie didn't jump up at the idea of waffles but did sit up more in bed. She looked exhausted, her nearly sixty years showing on her face the last few days.

"He came over to talk to me about something and I think I need to talk to you about it too," Jamie informed her. He deliberately kept his voice very light. He could see in Eddie's body language she was still struggling.

"Is he okay?" Joey had some hard luck romantically and he worked for SVU. Eddie always worried that things were too much for their hard shelled but soft hearted son.

"He's fine. He wants to bring a girl over for dinner but he's worried that you'll be upset," Jamie explained. "It seems that while Joe was visiting with Peter while he was sick, he and that younger nurse Molly started to like one another and he's been dating her. He wants to bring her to dinner tonight."

"Why would I have a problem with that?" Eddie asked swinging her legs out over the edge of the bed.

"Lila was concerned that you would be upset seeing her again," Jamie explained. "I just want to be sure you're all right. It's been a hard month for you."

"Jamie, stop. If Joey has a girlfriend that he wants to bring to dinner, let him bring her. My father died, I struggled with feeling that for a while but I'm fine now. I did my crying, I'm good. Let's go down for breakfast."

The edge in Eddie's voice ended the conversation.

Joey arrived with the waffles just as Frank emerged from the bedroom. The smile on his face when he saw the bags made Joey laugh. "I guess Dad was right about these waffles."

When Jamie and Eddie appeared in the kitchen, Joey handed Jamie back all of his money. "On me this time," he replied then took Eddie in for a hug.

"You doing okay, Mom?" Joey dropped a kiss on Eddie's head.

"I'm fine, honey. I smell a cinnamon pecan waffle, and I hope it has my name on it."

Frank has put the waffles on the table and poured the coffee. "I know what to be thankful for in church this morning," he declared as they each dug into their meal.

By 10:30, Jamie and Frank were dressed and ready but Eddie hadn't made a move. "I just don't feel up to it, Jamie," Eddie sighed when he questioned her again. "Please don't judge me on this. Please."

"That's crazy talk," Jamie replied. "I would never judge you for that or anything, you know that. Now come on, go back up to bed, take a nap…when I get home I'll come check on you." Jamie kissed Eddie and watched as she headed upstairs.

Nearly every member of the family was in church that day with the exception of Eddie and Sean, who was at work. Jack brought Rita with him for only the third time but she would not be joining them for dinner. "Where's Eddie?" Erin asked.

"She stayed home, she said she didn't feel well and she didn't look like she felt well either. I think she needs time to rest. If she's not up to dinner then I'll bring her a tray and eat upstairs with her."

Erin nodded, "You're a good husband, Jamie. You and Eddie are lucky to have each other. If you think it will help her to talk, I'll be happy to…"

"I know, and I know she'd appreciate the offer but I'm worried about her and I think it's something that I have to handle. She needs me, Erin. She needs something only I can give her right now. She needs to feel secure and safe."

"I can't imagine how I'll feel when Dad goes," Erin sighed trying to empathize with Eddie's pain.

"You won't be finding that out for a while," Frank replied. "I have to meet my next great grandchild."

Erin smiled at her dad. His years of service had damaged his lungs which put a strain on his heart, but under Jamie and Eddie's care his hospitalizations were minimal and he only needed respiratory therapy and occasionally, oxygen to breath. They were lucky with Frank's health.

Mass began. Frank said an extra prayer for Peter Janko and one for Eddie. It hurt his heart to see her in so much pain. He remembered the days when she and the nurses sat by his side, sometimes he was talking and laughing, other times the medications didn't work and he was in pain, other times he was sound asleep. Eddie always loved her father, she just didn't love what he did. Frank knew he didn't make it easier for her to have a relationship with him. He asked forgiveness for that.

After Mass, Jamie lit a candle for Eddie and offered a prayer to Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, patron saint of grief. "Please watch over my Eddie. Help her come to terms with her pain, take her into your arms and deliver her from her anguish. Help me find the words and actions to soothe her heart. Amen."

"Dad," Joey broke in after Jamie finished his prayer. "I'm going to pick up Molly. If it sets Mom off I'll just explain okay?"

Jamie nodded, Eddie wanted nothing more than for Joey to find love. It might sting seeing Molly again but Jamie would absorb that for her if that meant their son had a chance to have even a fraction of what they did.

Frank watched Jamie go into the house. He was worried that going up and down the steps to help Eddie was going to be too taxing on Jamie. "I'm good Dad, the leg is strong. Why don't you help Lila get the chicken out and read your paper? I'm going to see how Eddie is doing."

Jamie went to the bedroom where he found Eddie still in bed. She looked up at him. "You feel up to coming down?"

Eddie nodded, "I don't feel sick, just tired. Let me take another shower and I'll be down. Tell Lila to make some of those potato puffs since we have Molly coming."

Jamie nodded and kissed Eddie's cheek. "Go get cleaned up. I'll be downstairs. If you change your mind, just give me a yell."

Eddie came down an hour later. Lila was basting her chicken and plating the potato puffs with Linda and Erin helping her. "It smells great in here."

Lila moved to hug her mother, "You okay, Mom?"

"I was just a little tired, I'm fine now. Let me serve these and you come out to sit down honey. Even if you aren't showing and gaining you still need to take time to rest your body."

"Your mom is right," Linda spoke up. "You have to take care of yourself now so that pregnancy is easier later."

"Okay, let me get this back in the oven then I'll come and sit…"

Joey opened the back door with Molly's had in his. Lila fixed a classic Reagan stare on her brother as she watched Eddie. Eddie squared her shoulders and stepped forward, "Nice to see you again Molly, especially under nicer circumstances. Welcome."

"Nice to see you too, Mrs. Reagan." When Molly was Peter's nurse, she called Eddie by her first name but she was insecure in her capacity as Joey's new girlfriend.

"No, you call me Eddie. Come along with me, I was just going to serve some appetizers. I'll reintroduce you." With the platter in her right hand and Molly's hand in her left Eddie headed to the living room. "Everyone you remember, Molly. Molly, if you don't remember, this is Joey's father, Jamie, his uncle Danny, Danny's son, Jack, his brother in law Steven, and last but not least, Joey's grandpa, Frank."

"Frank, I remember well," Molly smiled. "How are you feeling?"

Frank acknowledged he was feeling well, as he shook Molly's hand warmly before taking a potato puff. Molly sat down in a chair on the far side of the room. Lila and Joey's raised voices carried into the next room.

"How could you bring her here? You know Mom is having a hard time and this is just throwing it in her face!"

"I talked to Dad, he said it was okay!" Joey snapped.

"Of course, Dad would say it was okay! Dad would say anything was okay as long as it didn't make you angry again! You did…"

Jamie sighed, "I'll handle this." He got up and headed into the kitchen Linda and Erin were witnessing a classic Reagan sibling argument.

Jamie pushed the door to the kitchen open, "Enough. We can hear you in the other room. Lila, it's bad enough that Molly is out there feeling nervous and uncomfortable because of your feelings but you are being very disrespectful to me. That's not like you at all."

Lila surprised Jamie when she started to cry. "Oh, here we go…" Joey rolled his eyes. Before he knew it, he has Steven on him.

"You need to be more sensitive to your sister!" Steven argued. "And Jamie, with all due respect, I don't like you raising your voice to my wife who is just worried about her mother."

"Steven, I'm sorry but I will not have either of my children…"

"Enough!" Frank declared banging his cane on the floor. "This is Sunday dinner! We have a guest in this house! Jamie, Lila is having a baby, she is going to be more sensitive, you should know that. Lila, your father is still that even if you are married and having a child! I don't ever want to hear you speak against him again. Joe, even if your Dad said it was okay, you should have considered your mother and spoken to her as well! Now, I want everyone to say your apologies to each other and to our young guest. Now!"

The shocked silence was broken by Molly's musical laughter. The entire Reagan family looked over at her, "Sure and I feel welcome now," she declared. "Any family that be having a brawl at their Sunday meal is after me own heart. Me own brothers and sisters fight like that too, but I must admit to it that we don't obey me granddad like you do."

Lila walked over to Molly, "I'm sorry. It's not you and I was out of line. Do you want to come help? That's usually what all the ladies do."

Soon, Eddie and Molly joined the other ladies in the kitchen, Eddie and Erin helping execute the meal so Lila could sit down. The younger men worked out their differences during a game of basketball, with Jamie as referee. By the time the family sat down to their meal, the squabble was forgotten.

"Molly," Frank asked smiling. "Would you like to say grace?"

Molly nodded, "I would. May this food restore our strength, giving new energy to tired limbs, and new thoughts to weary minds. May this drink restore our souls, giving new vision to dry spirits, and new warmth to cold hearts. And once nourished and refreshed, may we give thanks to Him who gives us all and makes us blessed. Amen."

As Molly prayed over the food, Joey felt his heart soar. Frank Reagan had never let a newcomer to the table offer grace since his mother. He felt that was Frank's way of giving their relationship his blessing. As the rest of the family echoed their "Amens" Lila reached over and patted her brother's hand, "I'm sorry. I really do like her and I want you to be happy."

Joey nodded, "I am, Sis. For the first time in a while, I am."

 **A/N: Well, there we have it, a Reagan family squabble settled by their patriarch. What would they ever do without him? No worries, we won't be finding that out anytime soon. Two more chapters to go in which Eddie's healing will be completed and the family can focus on waiting for the new addition. Yes, we will be exploring the ups and downs of being pregnant in a family that likes to meddle as much as the Reagans.**

 **Hope you enjoyed this earlier post. Experimenting with this time instead of waiting until most of us are on our way to bed. Looking forward to hearing from you. Until Friday, which will include a double update, Chapter Nine and the next installment of Pillow Talk.**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Jamie pulled the car up in front of Eddie's father's house. He'd taken an extra day off to help her clean out some of his things. Peter had been gone about a month, and Eddie felt it was time to clean the house out and ready it for sale.

Eddie paused just outside the house her father resided in taking a deep breath to calm her racing heart. She put one hand to her chest and took a deep breath. It was harder than she thought being back here. Jamie eventually caught up to her, the uneven, soft ground presenting a challenge for his weaker leg, he was huffing and puffing a little bit himself. Jamie gave Eddie's hand a gentle but supportive squeeze letting her know he was here for her. Eddie's eyes moved towards Jamie's offering a sad smile. Hand in hand, with Jamie leaning on his cane for balance, they walked inside the building together. "Sit down, sweetheart," Jamie urged, not liking the pink color of Eddie's cheeks. He had been increasingly concerned about her since her father's death. She had withdrawn so much and held so much inside of her. The damn had broken a week earlier but Jamie still felt something was terribly amiss.

Eddie sat on the sofa where they had watched their children playing when they would bring them to see Peter. He was a doting grandpa, when Eddie allowed him to be. She'd held his indiscretions against him so long…She raised a shaking hand to her lips. "I don't know if I can do this," Eddie admitted in a small voice.

Jamie sat beside Eddie and wrapped his arms around her waist. He kissed her head. "You're a strong woman Eddie, you can do it and I'm right here for you. We got through your cancer, some really rough cases, my promotion, squabbles with the kids, and my stroke, as partners. We can get through this too. I am going to be right by your side. If it gets too much, you tell me. We can hire some folks to clean it out after you decide what you want to take."

Eddie took a deep breath, figuring the best place to start was probably his room. With Jamie half a step behind her, Eddie led him through the living room, up the stairs, into the bedroom.

Leaning down Eddie began sorting through her father's belongings wordlessly while Jamie worked a few feet away from her. Eddie was looking through the night table drawers while Jamie sorted through clothing to see what could be donated.

Suddenly, Eddie gasped. "Oh my god."

Jamie quickly threw the shirt he'd been holding back into the drawer turning his attention to Eddie startled by her reaction. "What is it, babe?"

Eddie grinned up at him holding a small purple blanket she dragged around the house as a child. "I thought he threw this out I had this with me until I was like 6."

 _Two-year old Eddie entered the spacious kitchen raising one hand to rub her tired eyes. "You're supposed to be in bed," Peter chuckled as he scooped the tired toddler into his arms. She pressed her little face into his chest._

" _I got boo boo," Eddie protested showing him a black and blue on her arm whimpering._

" _I know exactly how to handle this."_ _Peter carried his daughter up to her room laying her under the pulled back comforter to keep her warm. "There you go baby, I'll be right back with a surprise."_

 _Eddie sat up on her arm careful not to rub the bruise wanting to see where her father was going curious about the surprise he promised._

 _When he returned, Peter had his hands behind his back wearing a smile. He knelt down next to the bed. Before giving her the surprise Eddie's dad leaned closer kissing the bruise gently careful not to hurt her. Still smiling he brought his arms around revealing a purple blanket, wrapping it around her like a cape._

 _"This will protect you from any boo boos."_

"He kept it," Eddie marveled holding the old blanket. "He kept it by his bed…did he…?"

Suddenly thoughts of her father lying alone in this bed assaulted Eddie's mind. Had he held this blanket nights missing her, wishing that he had her love and her respect? Had he held it when he was first sick and alone with no one but hired nurses? How could she have done this? How could she have done this to him? He made mistakes but he was her father. He loved her. This blanket was evidence of that.

"Eddie?" Jamie whispered coming even closer. "Eddie…" Nothing.

Eddie looked up at Jamie after a few quiet minutes. Her face crumbled and she leaned into his chest making the same mewling cries she had made that day in the supermarket. The mewls turned to loud sobs as she let the pain hit her again and again. Jamie had wanted to be with her when she went through these emotional waves. Jamie carefully wrapped Eddie in his arms and held her tight. "It's all right, baby," Jamie cooed. "It's all right, I'm here. I'm right here, baby. Ssh." Jamie knew from losing his mother, no words could soothe Eddie's pain. "Talk to me."

Jamie led Eddie to her father's bed and sat down keeping his arms fixed around her. "It won't feel better unless you get it out, I can hear anything you need to say."

"I feel…" Eddie hiccupped. "Jamie, I was horrible to him. He really did love me, he really did do all that…that stuff for me. He thought he was making things okay for me. He must have felt so much more…that he had to do that…after my mom died."

Jamie nodded, "Yeah, I'm sure he did baby. He did love you, I never doubted that and you never did either. You just…I think you lost so much when your mother died and he was taken that you…didn't want to hurt again, so you shut off."

Eddie sniffled, "He wanted a relationship with his grandchildren, Jamie. I never let him have the one he should have had, the one he wanted."

"Eddie, we never excluded him from any of their events. Truth be told, he stopped coming to a few of them probably because he fought with my Dad. He knew you loved him baby," Jamie soothed. "He did. He told me he did a few days before he died. You gave him his final wishes, to die at home with his family. He didn't hold a grudge against you for any of the choices you made, he loved you so much."

Eddie cried into Jamie's chest, listening to his words. "I just wish I made different choices. That I let him see the kids more, that I let my guard down and let him love me again."

Jamie stroked his wife's blonde hair, "Eddie, he is watching you now and his heart is breaking. He sees you in such pain and there's nothing he can do to help you. I am trying to help you sweetheart, but you really just have to feel it. It's okay to feel like this, you don't have to force it."

Eddie sighed, "I don't think I'm ready for this. I think I'm rushing myself and trying to be numb again. Will you take me home?"

Jamie kissed Eddie's head, "Yeah, come on…You can rest in the car."

Jamie had to hold Eddie up and walked her to the car. She felt very weak and dizzy, she held her emotions in so long that when they erupted they caused her physical sensations like what she experienced in the market that day. Jamie wrapped Eddie in a blanket he kept in the car for emergencies so she kept warm then headed for their home.

He was surprised to see Joey's car as well as Lila's in the driveway. "Eddie, the children are here…"

Eddie sighed, "Jamie, I have a terrible headache. I really feel horrible."

Jamie nodded, "Let's go inside, and I'll take you up to bed, all right?"

Eddie nodded and leaned into Jamie. He struggled for his balance with her extra weight but he needed to take care of his wife now. As soon as Eddie walked into the house, she began to cry again. She looked at the place where Peter's bed had been and covered her mouth to stifle a sob. She looked at Frank feeling so much anger at him and at herself.

Eddie sagged against Jamie, her legs weak from the exhaustion of her emotional release. Jamie's arms went out to grab her before her legs gave out altogether.

"Mom!" Joey jumped up and ran to his mother with Lila not far behind. "Dad?"

Jamie walked Eddie to the couch to let her settle down. He sat next to her and wrapped her up in his arms. "Mom is having a hard time. We were at Granddads."

Joey felt a sharp pain in his gut seeing his mom struggling with her emotions at the loss of her father. Joe never wanted to see that pain in his mother and would do anything to take the pain away for her. Joey knelt on the floor beside Eddie wrapping his arms around her tightly. When Eddie looked up with glassy blue eyes, Joe felt a wretch in his heart. "It's okay, Mom. It's okay, we're all here, Dad, Grandpa, Lila, me…we're are all here…Your grandchild is here too…"

Lila had sat down on the arm of the sofa to be near Eddie. She took Eddie's hand and put her hand on her belly, "I know he or she really loves you so much already. I love you so much, Mom."

Jamie stroked Eddie's hair, "I think we need to get Mom upstairs. Today was too much too soon."

Joey sighed, "Mom, if it's too much, cleaning out Grandpa's house, I can do it for you. Lila and I can do it for you."

Eddie sighed, "I'll see, Joe. Right now…I…"

Jamie stood up, "Come up to bed, Sweetie. You had a hard day, you need to rest."

"Let me help her, Dad. You need to focus on your leg, you both had a hard day." Joey wrapped Eddie up tight and helped her up the steps. "Mom, let us help, okay. You know what Dr. McLean says, stress and upset can lead to a recurrence. I need my Mom, okay. Please take care of yourself."

Eddie nodded, "I just need to sleep Joey. I'll be okay." Eddie stroked Joey's face. "I love you for loving me like this."

Once Eddie was in the bedroom, Jamie took over helping her undress, getting her tucked into bed, and laying a cool cloth on her head. Eddie fell into an exhausted sleep before Jamie even undressed. As he slid into bed and snuggled under the covers, Jamie worried about his wife. The headaches and the fatigue…that's how he started. If she didn't seem to perk up soon, he would take her to the doctor. In the meantime, there was one more place he wanted to bring her to help her grieve…but that was for another day. For the moment, Jamie focused on holding Eddie close to his chest, making her feel his love and strength, so she knew that even if it felt as if she was by herself in her pain, she was never, ever alone as long as they had each other.

 **A/N: Thanks to Yanks20 for assisting me with the flashback, the emotion in this story drained my muse for a bit. Thanks to Lawslave for helping me convey the emotion so well and with clarity. Last but not least, thanks to everyone that is reading and reviewing. I know this is heavy material and not always an easy read. One final chapter coming on Sunday. We'll find out what Jamie has up his sleeve.**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

"Thanks for giving me this time, Dr. McLean," Jamie said greeting the oncologist with a handshake. "I know you're a cancer specialist so this might be beyond the scope of your practice, but you know Eddie very well and you can answer my most pressing question."

The doctor sat back and crossed his arms, "Anytime, Jamie. Eddie has been my patient since my father-in-law retired. What's going on?"

"Eddie lost her dad about five weeks ago," Jamie began. "She held it all in, you know Eddie, then it all finally erupted. Now, she's depressed, she's not eating right, she's not sleeping well or she's sleeping all the time. My major concern is her cancer, can this bring it back?"

"Maybe, is the best answer I can give you, Jamie. There's no actual link between stress and a recurrence of cancer but I find that patients who have been in remission for a long time like Eddie, if they have a recurrence, it's usually coming at a time when they are under increased stress."

Jamie nodded, "So, I need to find a way to get her out of this. I'm so concerned because our daughter is pregnant and even talking about that isn't helping her."

"Have you thought about taking her to see him? Taking her to his grave or where you scattered his ashes, might help her complete that grief process."

Jamie nodded, "I did, but I wanted to talk to you first before I put her under more strain. I'm doing the best I know how for her and for the first time in our marriage, it isn't enough."

Dr. McLean reached into his desk, "These are the names of two therapists I often send my patients families to if we are unsuccessful here. If you do take her to the cemetery and it doesn't seem to help her, give them a call and let them know that I referred you."

Jamie smiled and took the cards, he knew that if he spoke to Eddie's doctor he would get some advice. Relieved there was no scientific link between stress and cancer, just a theoretic one, Jamie planned a trip to the cemetery for that weekend.

Lila was over the house when Jamie got home. "Hey, Kitten. Steven at work?"

Lila nodded, "Yeah, I thought I'd come over and see how Mom was doing. We watched some home movies today of you when you were an itty bitty baby."

Jamie laughed, "Grandpa had those out did he?"

"They made Mom smile," Lila replied. "Grandpa is napping and Mom is doing her pumps. We're going to get Indian again for dinner."

"Again? Lila, that…." Jamie gave in. If she wanted it, he was fine with footing the expensive bill for it.

Lila playfully stuck her tongue out at Jamie, "I can't help it if your grandchild has a flare for curry. Grandpa's happy with it, he just discovered masala chicken."

Jamie laughed, "Anything you want, Kitten. I'm going to have a word with Mom, just watch the spice all right, I know you crave it because pregnancy can change your taste buds but it's not good for you or the baby."

Lila nodded and smiled and finished making herself a cup of herbal tea.

Jamie found Eddie in their bedroom finishing her lymph edema pumps. "Hey, pretty girl," he smiled, using a sentiment he used often when Eddie was sick.

"Hey yourself," Eddie replied turning off the machine and removing the sleeve. "You're home pretty late. You're over your fifty hours this week."

Jamie nodded, "I know honey. Eddie, I want to run something by you." Jamie took her hand and sighed, "It's been hard since Peter died. I know you have a lot of anger and a lot of regrets, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit it tears me up inside to see you struggling. So, I went to see Dr. McLean."

"Dr. McLean?" Eddie got up and began to put the equipment away. "What possible reason…"

"Dr. McLean gave me the names of some grief counselors," Jamie replied. "But I discussed another idea with him. I am so worried for you, Eddie that you might get sick or….What do you say to a little road trip tomorrow? You and I…"

"And where would we be going on this trip, Jamie?" Eddie asked, knowing her husband too well after thirty years of marriage.

"Well, I was thinking to the cemetery in Westchester to visit your father, then a really nice steak dinner with medium rare meat, twice bakes potatoes…"

Eddie slapped Jamie's chest lightly, "You know the way to get me to say yes to your crazy ideas is through my stomach, Reagan." She sighed, "I want to put it behind me and not think about it, but that doesn't seem to be working so I'll try it your way. I do not want to see a shrink and talk about my Daddy issues."

"I hope you don't have to," Jamie replied. "But we are in a really exciting time for our family honey. I don't want to see you feeling like this when Lila is going through an Indian food phase."

Eddie ran her hands up Jamie's chest, "All right, honey. We'll give it a try, but if this doesn't help, I just want you to let it be for a bit okay?"

Jamie pulled Eddie close and kissed her head, "Okay…Now let's go downstairs and mortgage our house…."

Eddie looked at Jamie, "Oh..." For the first time in weeks, she let out a genuine laugh.

The next Saturday afternoon, on a lovely early spring day, Jamie and Eddie took a scenic drive up to Westchester where Peter had been buried. The trees and flowers were blooming, showing signs of new life and hope to come. "It's so pretty up here this time of year," Jamie commented looking over to check on Eddie from time to time.

"Now and in the fall," she agreed. "We used to take drives down the scenic overlooks and just look out at nature. My dad would get fried chicken and potato salad and make the best sweet iced tea and we'd have a picnic."

"That's a good memory, honey," Jamie smiled. 'We need to make sure we make those memories with our grandchild. A grandchild…"

Eddie smiled and rubbed Jamie's leg. "I'm glad we're doing this…that we're trying it, and I am so glad that you are with me."

It took another half hour to get to the cemetery and locate Peter's grave. He was buried beside Eddie's mother, his name had been etched into the stone a few days before. Eddie knelt down by the stone and gently traced the lettering. Peter S. Janko…Beloved Father. "It was true, Dad," Eddie replied. "I did love you, I never stopped. When you got arrested and had to go away…I was just so angry…"

Jamie stood back and watched as Eddie finally spoke to her father. He wasn't there to hear her in body, but Jamie believed his essence and his spirit were still with them.

"I needed you, Dad," Eddie whispered starting to cry. "And then, I felt like you wanted money more than you wanted me. I would give back the house, the car, everything if it meant you weren't taken from me. I had lost Mom and then I lost you too. I decided if you didn't want me then I wasn't going to force myself on you. If I didn't matter to you, then you didn't matter to me."

Eddie wiped her eyes with her hand, "I know now how wrong I was about so much, but this time you are really gone and I…"

Eddie's shoulders crumbled and she began to sob. Until then, Jamie kept a respectable distance, letting Eddie have the time she needed but he couldn't stand aside when she made that sound. Carefully, Jamie moved closer to her and rubbed her back. "Go on, Sweetheart. Say what you need to say. I'm right here."

Eddie cried, unable to continue speaking for several minutes. Jamie kept a gentle pressure on her back, just letting her feel his presence. It took all that he had not to grab her into his arms and take her back to the car, but he knew she needed to do this.

"I'm sorry," Eddie managed. "I'm so sorry, Daddy. I never let myself forgive you, you only did it for me, thinking I'd be happy. I'm so sorry…"

Jamie slid down so he was sitting behind Eddie. He pulled her close and rocked while she murmured her apologies over and over again. "What are you sorry for?" Jamie gently pressed. "Tell him what you're sorry for."

"I'm sorry for…keeping the kids from you and for not letting you know I loved you until was too late. I'm sorry I was so selfish and never let you live down your mistakes. I'm sorry for all of it."

Jamie nodded and rubbed her shoulders, "Your Dad is sorry too, Eddie. He told me that he was sorry he wasn't there for so much of your early adult life and he was sorry he didn't push harder to mend fences with you. He loved you so much, he loved you enough to let you have your freedom…and he loved you enough that none of the things you just apologized for mattered to him. He just loved you." Jamie kissed the side of her head. "And you loved him in spite of his mistakes, you just were in too much pain to show it. Let go of the pain, Angel. If you love him like you say you do, you'll let go of the pain and go into this next part of our family's life with an open heart."

Eddie leaned back in Jamie's arms, neither cared they would have grass stained clothing when they went to eat, neither cared they would probably be sore the next day, they were doing what they did best, supporting and loving each other. Eddie took a long breath, "I love you, Dad and I am going to do my best to be a terrific grandmother. I promise to bring the baby to the scenic overlooks to eat chicken and potato salad….and tell him or her all about their great grandpa and how much you would have loved them. Watch over us, Dad, like you always did, even if I didn't realize it."

Eddie reached out and gently touched each of her parents' names before getting up and wiping her pants. "You need a hand up?"

Jamie laughed and used both Eddie's hand and his cane to get off the ground. Eddie brushed him off and took his hand to walk back to the car. "How do you feel?" Jamie asked as they walked at a stroll pace.

"I'm still sad, I think that will take a while, but I feel less…anguish…there's a feeling of peace now…closure, I think." Eddie stopped walked and tugged Jamie's hand so he followed suit.

Eddie leaned up and placed a kiss on Jamie's lips, "Thank you, Jamie. I could not have gotten through this without you. I really couldn't have."

Jamie stroked Eddie's hair, enjoying the feel of the silky strands running through his fingers. "Almost thirty-four year together, thirty of it married, we are still there for each other. We still love each other in that special way. You know there is nothing I won't do for you, including getting grass stains on my good pants."

Eddie laughed, "It's going to take me a little while before I'm myself, be patient with me?"

"Aren't I always?" Jamie asked as they started walking again. "I'll be as patient as you need me to be. I just want you to smile again."

Eddie looked up at Jamie and flashed him a beautiful smile, one that reached her eyes. "You gave me a gift today, Jamie. I can't thank you enough for being here for me through all this. It really has given me peace, a healing peace."

As Jamie got into the car and started towards the restaurant he offered a prayer of thanksgiving. He and Eddie had just gone through another challenge and come out on the other end of it stronger than they were before. That was the nature of their marriage, their partnership, and the life of love they had built together. Jamie and Eddie both knew there would be new challenges to face, not all of them would have happy endings, but if they faced those challenges together, as they had for many years, they would always have a deep, sustaining, healing peace.

 **A/N: That wraps up this installment of the series. It was much shorter than the previous too but I hope that it lived up to it' predecessors. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this piece, to Lawslave for sampling each chapter and letting me rant about writer's block, and to Yanks20 for helping me with difficult dialogue.**

 **This Wednesday, installment four, And Baby Makes…will be posted and I will try to updates every other day. I am not finished writing all of it yet, so let's hope my muse stays with me.**

 **I look forward to hearing your input on this final chapter, and to your visiting me and this representation of the family Reagan in the next installment.**


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